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Preparing for the Black Friday Battle

In a short time, students will be returning home to enjoy a week off in celebration of Thanksgiving. Kitchens will be warm with the smell of turkey and mashed potatoes wafting throughout the home. Loved ones will gather to enjoy a time of thankfulness. However, that is merely the calm before the storm. 

 

Black Friday will soon be upon us to crush the spirit of joy and force Americans to look at their own inner darkness that lay in wait of this forsaken tradition. To help our readers prepare for the greatest event in American history, we spoke to Dick Richardson, professional shopper, on what to anticipate. 

 

“Well, of course, you need shelter for the line,” Dick stated. “If you don’t look like you live on Skid Row then you’re not doing it right. We’re talkin’ genuine shanties.” 

 

Cardboard boxes serve as a natural source of heat when combined with fire. Shopping carts filled with useless junk can be used as barriers to save your spot in line. Use a tarp to protect yourself from the elements as well as the urine jars being tossed by disgruntled shoppers. 

 

“Buy a weapon. You need to be able to fend off the scrubs trying to jack your spot,” Dick continued. “After 300, spears were all the rage. But that fad died. A good, wieldy shiv is the standard these days.” 

 

While spears may not be hip anymore, The Black Sheep recommends baseball bats, samurai swords and golf clubs to fend off the hordes of violent shoppers. 

 

“If that doesn’t work, try a used sex toy,” Richardson contemplated, “something about filling a Fleshlight to the brim, then swinging it around all willy-nilly has a way of getting people to avoid you.” 

 

While sex toys and sharp weapons are integral to a successful Black Friday experience, it is even more important to have some sort of strategy.

 

“Don’t sneak in through the Red Robin. It’s super-cliche. Personally, I just ram my way through the crowd with a battering ram bought from my local crooked police officer. Simple, yet effective.” 

 

Of course there are less lethal ways to get into Target and get the Xbox One for 90% off. Hiding in the store bathroom the day before, bribing an employee or posing as mall security have all proven to be effective ways of beating the crowd. 

 

Richardson smirked, “Sure, you can do all that. Or you could quite literally beat the crowd. To death. Very effective.” 

 

While the overwhelming majority of Americans support this great holiday, not everyone is on board with the idea of trampling the Walmart greeter to get a new camera.  

 

“Fuck the system man, the corporate pigs have done nothing but pitted us against each other for money,” a presumed dirty hippy tweeted me from his iPhone.

 

Fortunately for the corporate pigs, capitalism remains the current economic system in America. We spoke to one of these monsters for his perspective on this annual event. 

 

“Sometimes my buddies who control the stock market come down to my private island and place bets on how many shoppers will be trampled to death,” Mr. Monopoly said as devil horns emerged from his forehead and smoke engulfed him. 

 

Gambling is an effective way to pass the time while waiting in line. In fact, Black Friday shoppers are notorious for cock fighting. 

 

“Not that kind you sick bastard,” Dick exclaimed. “Uh, not that there’s anything wrong with that.” 

 

After issuing an apology to various cock fighting groups for his cockphobic language, Dick is now spending the rest of November in intensive therapy.

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