The dust may have settled on the quad, but the mood is still as tense as the relationship between your roommates after Mario Kart Night. All due to the event that has left Illinois State’s campus confused, scared, angry, and more than a little aroused.
ISU has always been very professional and welcoming to RSOs and their activities on its beautiful quad with minimal conflicts between groups, but that has all changed. “This is definitely a first for us,” said legendary party animal and University President, Larry Dietz, as he knocked the ash off his Cuban cigar into one of the dozens of used red Solo cups in his office. “I’ve drank 100-year-old scotch with Reggie Redbird on top of every building on campus, I’ve even had some less-than-legal run-ins with the cartels of Mexico, and this is still the most shocking thing I’ve ever seen.”
It was supposed to be an ordinary day for the LARP and Quidditch Clubs; full of competition, laughter, and fun. But when the two groups began to argue over the territories and reservations on the quad, a LARPer was heard shouting that playing “Harry Potter games” was childish and dorky. And then all hell broke loose. Quidditch Club members were “flying” around on their broomsticks while the LARP Club members tenaciously thrashed and chased after their newfound enemies with massive foam flails and swords. Grown men dressed as elves with ear attachments were being run over by packs of Quidditch players on their brooms, while other LARPers dressed as medieval warriors threw balled-up socks or “fireballs” in defense. Things got bloody when the Quidditch Club finally began using their brooms as weapons against the LARPers.
To better understand the conflict between the clubs, our reporters interviewed the combatants as well as some onlookers to get the full story.
Active LARP Club member, Henry Finkler –or as he prefers to be called “Dartanion the Level-30 Knight”– described the events for us. “Ah,‘twas a rather glorious day for a romp on the field of battle!” proclaimed the 19-year-old, sporting an impressive suit of cardboard armor. “ ‘tis a pity those rogue wizards from that foreign land they call “Hogwarts” felt the need to invade our ancestral homeland of noble battle.”
Quidditch Club member Tracy Angleman explained her point of view of the clash, “You don’t get to be a seeker for Hufflepuff without knowing how to play dirty,” boasted the 5’1” girl who was peppered with small cuts and bruises. “Quidditch isn’t a sport for the weak. You know what they say, ‘If you ain’t down to chase the Snitch, then you ain’t nothing but a bitch’”
“Those so-called ‘wizards’ are naught but a cheap sham!” exclaimed Eric Ludanski, or, as he demanded we call him “Arcainbren the Level 44 Wizard.” “Everybody knows that when you get hit with a fireball that you’re supposed to freeze in place for 60 seconds! To not obey the sacred laws of this realm is to spit in the face of the gods, which basically means you’re just a fucking boner!” Ludanski went on to call the Quidditch Club members, “A bunch of sweaty, jock assholes,” and referred to one individual as a “Cheater, cheater, fuckstick-eater.”
Bruce Smalnauts, the Quidditch team’s star Keeper, was spotted on the battlefield displaying an especially brutish form of fighting. “Yeah, so maybe I broke a broom or seven over the heads of some LARPing dorks, I just don’t see what the big deal is.” Argued the 5’1 man-child with the university’s disciplinary board. “Those butt-faced nerds all had weapons. Foam or not, a 6-foot battle axe is still a 6-foot battle axe.” Witnesses reported seeing Smalnauts ripping weapons away from LARP Club members to use against them, and not once following the rules when hit with a fireball.