Grand Valley sure has some weird sculptures around campus. Have you ever wondered what each one was really about? The Black Sheep breaks it down for you in the science-y Myth Busters TV show kind of way.
Blue Structure (aka Transitional Link):
Despite what you may have heard, walking the “wrong way” under the Transitional Link will not make you fail your classes. However, going anywhere near the sculpture between the time of 3:12 a.m. and 4:58 a.m. will give you instant genital herpes. And this is regardless of any physical contact you’ve had with other people’s private parts. Why does this happen? Scientists aren’t yet sure, but hypothesize the sculpture is warning students not to do the hanky-panky in the Arboretum.
White Shooting Star (aka Heaven and Earth):
Two things you need to know about this sculpture: it points to the sky and you can sit on it. Conclusion? It’s a rocket ship. Sure, it doesn’t seem like it’s aerodynamic or in any way “safe” for space travel, but that never stopped Neil Armstrong. So what if you will likely “die” from lack of oxygen? What would Buzz Lightyear say? Just as long as you try hard and believe in yourself, anything is possible. If they can go to the moon, so can you.
Blue Marching Band (aka ???):
Not only does no one know the name of this sculpture, but very few know it’s true origin. Yep, you guessed it: aliens. And no, it’s not a warning to Earth about possible alien invasion. The people of Galactizar would like GVSU to know that music is a really important social thingy. Also, that kick-ass baton twirling is super neat. Aliens are also saying the Zoca burritos have been slowly diminishing in quality over the last few weeks. The Galactizars are truly the watchdogs of our campus. All hail the Galactizars.
Yellow Ribbon (aka Amaranth):
Fact: this sculpture can teleport dogs wearing yellow anywhere. Why dogs and why yellow? Who knows, but it works. Want to send Spot to Paris for the day? Dress him up in the cutest banana costume and say “Au revoir, pup!” Spot will be wearing all black and smoking cigarettes before you can say “La Petite Mort.” The only downside is there is no way to teleport back to Allendale, so be prepared to fly to France yourself if you ever want to get lil Spotty back.
Pendulum (aka Untitled):
In fact, the twins of Disney past are the secret dual-Presidents of our university and they run their covert operation through the underground tunnels of campus. Sorry T. Haas, but move over for aging-childstars because they just “get” us better than anyone else.
Native American Chief (aka Noahquageshik):
This statue of the Native American chief Noahuquageshik is located on the downtown campus by the blue bridge. Or is it?! This kid named Steve (junior, philosophy major) claims that it’s all a giant hoax from Big Brother to make us think that the Pew Campus actually exists. Take away the statue and BAM, there goes the DeVos Center entirely. Sounds sketchy? You bet. Wake up America.