So many classes at Michigan State teach material that no one will ever use in the real world. If you get pulled over and the officer is writing you a speeding ticket, explaining the Pythagorean theorem or why Mars is currently in retrograde isn’t getting you out of it. Luckily, MSU caught onto this issue, after an unfortunate MSU alumna tried to save a choking individual by naming the U.S. Presidents in alphabetical order. We got hold of the syllabus to get an idea of what this class is all about. Here are a few topics they’ll be covering this semester.
Nailing a Conversation at the Water Cooler:
The stage of the office. It seems innocent at first, just a couple of people drinking some H20 at the same time, but this will make or break your entire career. This is the audition that determines whether you get invited to Brad’s barbecue cookout, or spend yet another Saturday night with a six pack of PBR and Seinfeld reruns. You may have to stretch the truth a bit, like announcing that you once slacklined with Brad Pitt, but they don’t know who you are or where you’ve been. Time to reinvent yourself and be the office accountant that skydives with James Earl Jones you were always meant to be.
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Eat From the Condiments Bar:
Let’s face it: you’re poor. You’re drowning in student debt, and the only thing keeping you from going under is the sad wage you desperately grabbed onto the second it was offered. Forget sit-down restaurants and forget top shelf, it’s time to settle for anything edible and free. Step 1: buy the cheapest option on the menu. Step 2: load up at the condiments bar. Stock up on lettuce, gravy, little carrot shavings, tartar sauce, croutons, literally anything. You’ve had jungle juice, so you know how this works: just hold your nose while you swallow and wait for the effects to kick in. Sadly, this time the effects are solely no longer starving to death, but like a freshman at a party with no older connections, it’s the only option you’ve got.
Steal Toilet Paper from the Local Gas Station:
You heard us.
Never Trust a Wolverine:
Now this is common sense, but in the real world, our enemies are harder to identify, and could literally be anywhere. The back alley, the sewers, a trash can; these are all places Wolverines have been reported to be found. In the unlikely case they’re not curled up in a dumpster, it’s best to keep your radar for Ann Arborians at all times. If someone offers you a hand moving boxes into to your new apartment, and you see a revolting yellow “M” embroidered into their windbreaker, you best be going Karate Kid on their asses.
Save Money by Staying In and Wallowing in Self Pity:
There are literally endless possibilities as to what you can pity yourself for in your sad, debt-filled life, so you’re sure to 4.0 this chapter.
There’s still time to switch into the class, and with the real world creeping up on us, it’s probably time to learn how to survive outside the shelter of our beloved Sparty. The midterm and final are actually going out and accomplishing some of these tasks, like telling the waitress it’s your birthday for a free dessert, or holding onto the back of a bus so you don’t have to pay to ride. As long as you’re always finding a loophole in society to keep from falling into the pit of inevitable doom, you’ll pass.