Don’t know what to be for Halloween? Fed up with dressing as a sexy stalk of celery four years in a row? Well, guys and ghouls, The Black Sheep has a treat for you! Rather than going as a slutty firefighter or a keg—c’mon guys, you don’t know what it’s like to be either of those things—why not stick with a realistic Halloween costume!
The girl from your old high school who got fat: The perfect costume for anyone who wants to stay warm and make fun of the captain of your high school cheer squad that you hated!
What you’ll need: A Facebook stalking hobby, an inclination to bully people, and an excess 30 pounds put on after acquiring college-induced alcoholism. Who’s gonna be the hottest person at your Halloween party? YOU ARE! (Well, at least you would’ve been if this was senior year of high school and you went to track practice rather than to Wendy’s every day.)
Your parents: It’s the perfect way to honor/horrify the people who are the sole reason you exist. Remember when you were a kid and didn’t really know your parents that well yet, leading you to look up to them? Fulfill your childhood dreams to be just like your parents all while taking a bottle of liquor to the face—aren’t you proud, mom and dad?
What you’ll need: Too many goddamn questions about what you’re going to do after you graduate.
Student loans: As Halloween is the night of fright, why not go as the scariest thing in a college student’s life?
What you’ll need: A person who you’ll promise to help out, assure them that everything will be okay after you’re done helping, then ruin their life and never leave them alone. People won’t be able to even THINK about sleeping that night once they get a look at you!
People from your hometown who are your age and married already: Sticking with the night of fright/scary costume idea, this one is sure to make some commitophobe college kid piss their pants.
What you’ll need: An unplanned pregnancy, a low set of standards, and an “it’s all good” approach to being stuck with your 5th grade crush, who grew up to be a crappy adult, for the rest of your life.
The countless reasons why you’re still single: This is a good group costume to wear if you’re going to go out with people in the parent costume. They can shoot those unwarranted questions your way and you can answer them just by being yourself!
What you’ll need: What you’re currently wearing is probably fine.
A crappy roommate: No research required. You’ve watched the behavior of a person who steals your clothes, eats your food, and never washes a dish ever every day you’ve lived with anyone in college, so stick to what you know and you’ll have an amazing costume!
What you’ll need: A bunch of Post-it notes to put on things that upset you in a passive aggressive manner rather than simply stating these issues so that they can be fixed immediately.
The conspiracy theorist who somehow always shows up in your newsfeed: But what if Halloween isn’t actually a holiday? What if it’s just the government’s way to brainwash us into being heathens who are okay with the current war against Christmas and dress up in provocative occupation costumes? We don’t really know because we’re rationally thinking people, but you sure as hell will in this costume!
What you’ll need: Articles from websites that are the farthest thing from credible, an inability to spell, and just a dash of a personality disorder. Bonus points if you can start debates with people about topics that don’t really merit debate. Nutella is awful and most likely has been laced with crack by the FDA? Nah man, go back to the parents’ basement you came from with that attitude.