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Red Cedar River Filled with Gravy on Thanksgiving


It’s been a long time coming, and finally, it’s happened. Our beloved Red Cedar took on the Thanksgiving spirit, and seems to have transformed its content overnight from lame-ass river water to the glory that is gravy. It’s like a Thanksgiving miracle. We’d be lying if we said this phenomenon had happened on its own, however. The truth is there’s a turkey-lovin’ mastermind behind this whole shebang.


Meet Todd Copenhagen, a junior pursuing a Food Science degree that was born and raised in Chi-town. He enjoys food, science, and, of course, gravy. We sat down with him on the lawn by Hannah Admin to discover how he came up with such a saucy idea.


“I really love the way Chicago dyes the river green on St. Patty’s Day,” Todd explained. “At first I thought they had transformed it into Jell-O, but after I tried to hop across it bounce house style, I realized it wasn’t.”


Todd went silent for a couple minutes; only the sound of gravy splashing up on the banks was heard.


“No, yeah. Definitely not Jell-O. Anyways, after that I felt so disappointed knowing that food always had to be confined to some kind of dish. It was all I could see. I went to the caf, and what are people using? Plates. Clam chowder lesson in lecture and what’s the PowerPoint show it in? Bowls. You order a hot chocolate and what do they put it in? Cups. It makes me sick. Then one day, I was sitting by the river eating my usual 3 o’clock biscuits and gravy, and it just clicked.”


Todd explains that his source for all that gravy was from MSU’s very own Surplus Store.


“That place is literally just a water tower, but filled with gravy.”


Convenient! Turns out, Todd wasn’t the only one who contributed some holiday magic to our beloved river. We found two female students standing atop the bridge near Wells throwing what appeared to be breadcrumbs into a duck-less Red Cedar. Upon further speculation, we discovered they had something else in mind.


“They’re potato flakes,” one of the two explained without breaking concentration. “What’s a little gravy without some mashed potatoes?”


Within an hour, the entire length of the river was billowing with mashed potatoes and magnificent tides of gravy. Word spread faster than freshmen scattering at a frat party after mistaking red and blue strobe lights for the po-po. Fellow MSU students started throwing in an entire array of festive foods: stuffing, corn bread, turkey, pumpkin pie, and believe it or not, fruitcake.


“I can’t believe Aunt Carol brought this again,” fellow sophomore Jimmy Henderson spat as he chucked a fruitcake into a mound of mashed potatoes. “It’s not Christmas until I say it is, Carol.”


Todd finally got his Thanksgiving wish.


“For too long it’s been gravy inside gravy boats, but what does that even mean?” Todd questioned as he pushed a makeshift sailboat into the gravy current. “It’s about time the boat tests its sails on the true master of sauces; now the broth can roam free and be whoever it wants to be. That’s what Thanksgiving is really about.”

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