You want to show off your patriotism and your little-bit-more-than-platonic love for America, but you’re just so damn poor. Don’t worry penniless patriots; The Black Sheep’s got your back.
The Star-Spangled Hammered:
Nothing says “my cousin brewed this beer in the woods behind his shack” like a worn-in flannel and a trucker hat. Turn that backwoods grunge into backwoods fabulous with some American flag cutoffs and a pair of white converse, and top it off with a can of Miller High Life. Bonus points are given for a Miley Cyrus-esque pic with your besties. #Murica.
Flannel shirt from your local Goodwill: $2.00
Jean shorts probably from Forever 21: $22.00
Trucker hat: $0. Please don’t pay real money for one of those
Fake Target-brand Converse: $16
Total outfit cost: $40
The American Graffiti:
Everyone knows hipsters don’t take days off, not even for America’s birthday. That’s why it’s imperative to seamlessly integrate the colors of the season into your outfit of the day, or OOTD. The universal red flannel is your base layer. Stack a jean jacket on top (with one side of the collar popped, of course) and make sure your unique sunglasses are precariously perched on the end of your nose. Depending on how much you plan to talk, you can also hold them in the corner of your mouth and get the same effect. Finally, finish it off with a vintage filtered photo and you’re guaranteed to be the coolest person at the party
Another Goodwill flannel: $2.00
Jean jacket from some guy off eBay: $10.00
Non-mainstream sunglasses: $20.00
Trendy VSCO cam filter pack: $0.99
Total outfit cost: $32.99
The Red White and Snooze:
For those of you who believe that dressing up for the 4th of July is childish and immature, this look is for you! When creating this highly cultured outfit, one must be sure to only choose two of the three colors of our flag. Wearing three colors is trying way too hard. We recommend a conservative navy dress and your grandmother’s pearls so everyone knows you don’t want a hamburger or hotdog when Bob starts grilling! Make sure you soft smile for all the pictures – wouldn’t want to look like you’re having too much fun!
Navy dress (from Target just in case someone spills dressing on it): $30
Grandmother’s pearls: $0 (They’re an heirloom, duh.)
Total outfit cost: $30
The Uncle Sam:
Want your peers to know just how American you really are? Well, then the Uncle Sam look wants you! To achieve this level of patriotism, you have to follow a few steps. First, coat yourself in some kind of liquid adhesive. The Black Sheep recommends Elmer’s Glue because it’s safe for your skin and is really fun to peel off and pretend like you’re a shedding snake. Next, find the holiday aisle at your local Wal-Mart. Finally, run through said aisle, letting the glue do the work for you – and voila!
Elmer’s Glue: $2.00 (via Wal-Mart)
Fine for disturbing the peace (if you have a good public defender): $25
Total outfit cost: $27
The Camp Counselor:
This quirky-chic look is ideal for those trying to channel their inner tween self. Classic high socks and a camp tee will make up the base of your look, while vintage pieces like colorful hair ties and an old baseball cap are just icing on the cake. Knock it up a notch with a fanny pack/backpack combo, and make sure you aren’t caught dead without crayons! The fanny pack pictured also doubles as a stereo, which will really give you brownie points with the parents. Kid-friendly songs only, please!
High white socks: $2.00
Boombox fanny pack from eBay: $16
Hair ties: $1.50
Camp tee: $0 (free stuff rocks am I right??)
Baseball cap from that one trip you took to Hilton Head: $5.00
Total outfit cost: $24.50
The Barbeque Dad:
The staple of middle-aged dads everywhere, this look is as easy as it is high fashion. All you need is a white undershirt from your own dresser (barbeque stain optional), a pair of baggy blue jeans, and a white baseball cap. Slip on a pair of white Reebok sneakers to really pull the look together. Remember: confidence is key with this outfit. Sell it by taking a goofy selfie and embarrassing your imaginary kids.
White Undershirt: $1 (your wife Susan got a pack on sale)
Blue jeans: $10 because you bought them in the 80’s
Red hat: $0 because your buddy Jim got it for you on your 50th birthday
Becoming an embarrassing parent on social media: Priceless.
Total outfit cost: $11.00
Just remember that you’re never too poor to celebrate America’s birthday. If you’re too poor for clothes, just paint yourself red, white, and blue. Too poor for paint? Use Kool-Aid. But watch out for ants.