Dude, did you go to the Bernie rally? We have been asked this so many times and the thing that sucks is we didn’t even get to. Either we didn’t want to go because it started right around our bed time or because we had a class that if we missed once more we would get an instant F. Somehow, though, a lot of people were able to go from Pitt and CMU. The place was packed as hell from what we’ve heard. Nothing gets college kids out of a Netflix black hole quite like Bernie.
With the recent purchase of Towers by Trump and the dissolution of the Universities science department, most of the students here are super pissed liberal arts nerds who have way too much debt. As all of us college students should probably do, we’ve decided to go with the guy most likely to actually improve our lives. Turns out other colleges’ students around here agree and a huge amount of us from around the city went to the rally. And for one of the first times in history, a group of rival college students were in the same general area together for reasons other than a sporting event or to simply yell at each other. Altogether, the colleges in Pittsburgh realized that Bernie Sanders is like the coolest grandpa ever and agreed to listen to what he says and start playing nice with each other.
After such a rally, everyone was so amped up and amazed to see the things we could accomplish when coming together. So we students rallied for all campuses around Pittsburgh to form one huge school named The Community University of PittslowMelonsburgh Park University School Tech or CUPPUST. There are other colleges here, but the name was already too long and they couldn’t fit any more letters on the sign. With this unification of the schools, overall student happiness has risen since Universal Meal Plans have been enacted and a new, better Market Central has been built in Trump Megatower ABC. The entire city of Pittsburgh has been designated part of the CUPPUST campus, every house has been designated a dormitory, and every person living in those dormitories are now students of CUPPUST.
The chancellors of all of the schools have had to resign from their chairs and are now clambering to see who can become the new Ultrachancellor. There are only a few true candidates to be seen now, however. There is someone known only as “The Zodiac Killer” who just wants to kill everyone, a man who looks eerily like Trump named Drumpf who wants to buy everything and rename CUPPUST to TRUMPUST, there’s Bernie Sanders with the Gallagator as his Vice-chancellor (to grab some old-college votes) and Hillary Clinton who is doing what Bernie Sanders wants to do, but is just saying she wants to after he does.
Who knows what is in store for CUPPUST and who will triumph in the election for Ultrachancellor, but until then we’ll be here with any updates.