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Satanist Students Apply Rat Placenta To Foreheads In Yearly Ash Wednesday Tradition


As per annual tradition, devout Satanist students at UD applied rat placenta to their foreheads Wednesday, in celebration of Ash Wednesday.


Students from different faiths were acquainted with the tradition and knew what it was; however, some still felt a little off-put by the display. “It’s a little weird when I see people from my floor with the thing smeared on their forehead. I had no idea some of these people went to human sacrifice every Sunday, and now it’s like ‘Surprise, I’m religious!’” said freshman Curtis Drew, who identifies as protestant. “Like, I’m totally not judging them for their beliefs. It’s just different to see them with a cross drawn on their forehead with rodent afterbirth.”


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Some students who identify as Satanist also felt the discomfort. “Yeah, I get a lot of awkward looks around campus, and to be honest, I kind of considered not doing it this year,” said senior Asb’el Abezethibou, a devout agent of the devil. “But at the same time, it’s my faith. My culture. It gets uncomfortable, but it’s also the day the father ripped his undead son out of Beezlebub’s razor claws, sending the underworld back into ten thousand years of darkness. Am I supposed to just forget that?”


Some said it wasn’t the beliefs themselves that were offputting, but merely the sudden public display that surprised them. “I see people in hijabs all over campus, and that’s not weird at all,” said junior Sally Chambers. “But like last year I became kind of friends with this girl in my class, and then one day she just comes in dripping in goat’s blood to celebrate the gestation of the antichrist. And like, I get it; that’s just how she celebrates Easter. I guess I just have to accept that deeply religious people look just like you and me.”


Another spectacle of Ash Wednesday is the religious groups offering bowls of rat placenta on the green, so less observant students who didn’t have time to go to the alter of sacrifice can still partake. However, students from other religions and faiths had an uncomfortable time turning them down. “I think it’s nice that people from the community do it, but it’s so awkward when they offer the rat placenta to me,” said senior Jonah Fuller. “I understand that they offer it to everyone, and they’re being nice, but it’s just that they assume that I’m Satanist, so then I have to be like ‘No, sorry, I’m Jewish.’”


More frustrating than the placenta offerings are the occaisional street preachings. “It’s so annoying when Kirkbride Satan is there,” Fuller continued. “I don’t care if people like to proclaim their faith; I’m really religious myself. But when he starts screaming in tounges and starts cursing people in ancient Latin, I’m like, ‘Dude, have some respect for other people.’ But, I guess he has free speech and all. Who am I to say he can’t slay squirrels on the wall outside of Kirkbride and eat their intestines?”


Ash Wednesday is the most publicly visual Satanist event on campus, after the winter solstice antichrist nativity scene and subsequent blood orgy.

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