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Schilletter Fined for Bogus Allergy Regulations

Schilletter was in an uproar last Tuesday, September 16th as students with supposed puppy allergies were carted off to Redfern, complaining of ridiculous ailments such as itchiness and “swollen throats.” 

 

With fewer and fewer upperclassmen buying meal plans, the dining halls have been searching for new ways to create revenue. Spokesperson Franny Bumble said that ever since the failure of their “free beer with Sammy Watkins” campaign two years ago, it’s been a constant struggle to make ends meet.  

 

“Students just aren’t buying meal plans like they used to. We all knew times were tough and we’d been cutting costs everywhere we could,” said Bumble, “but when management began to consider discontinuing the bacon-maple cupcake, I knew I had to do something.”  

 

From the recent surge in income experienced by Clemson laundry with their new, ingeniously-priced laundry truck service, Bumble knew that the time was right for money-making opportunities. 

 

“The freshman class just keeps getting bigger and more gullible,” she said. “So I figured, why not strike at what all students miss the most?” 

 

Thus, Clemson Dining’s all new PuppyPoints campaign was born, marking a new era for the college dining experience. The secret weapon: puppies. Students would collect PuppyPoints through the purchase of exorbitantly-priced goods to exchange for real puppies.

 

“Ten points equals a puppy,” Bumble explained, unable to contain her enthusiasm. “For twenty points, an orange puppy; for one hundred points, we‘ll frost it in maple syrup and put bacon on it for you!” 

 

Not only would the puppies draw in students, they would also act as an innovative way for Clemson Dining to go green and save money. In place of electricity-guzzling garbage disposals, Schilletter planned to install “puppy pits” in their kitchen sinks where unwanted food could be disposed of via puppy. Rather than outdated dishwashers, both human and machine, dirty dishes could be inserted into a rack of puppies, where any leftovers would be instantly licked away, leaving the plates cleaner than ever before. 

 

“Of course, we would have to wash the forks and knives by hand,” Bumble said reasonably. “The poor puppies might cut their tongues.” 

 

Unfortunately, the glorious green-puppy revolution ground to an unexpected halt after a visit from a health and safety representative last Tuesday. 

 

Although Schilletter had been sure to clearly mark one “Puppy-Free” food station in an obscure corner of the dining hall, students with dog allergies complained that the station was often still contaminated with allergens. According to the health inspector, all the hard effort that Schilletter had put into ensuring that the station was labeled completely puppy-free meant absolutely nothing, as there were puppy contaminates on all the plates.

 

“I mean, come on,” Bumble responded, outraged. “It’s not like the students were eating the plates! And we were especially careful that all the food prepared for that station was roped off by an impenetrable puppy net. I mean, that we drew, on the floor—but the puppies definitely knew that meant to stay out.”

 

Dining Services has been swamped by outraged emails from the parents of students who were affected by the alleged cross-contamination.  

 

“You would think,” Bumble said, “given that they‘re paying so much for a meal plan, they would be more understanding of our needs. I mean, how are we supposed to provide food for the normal students when we’re required to accommodate all these ridiculous allergies?”  

 

Bumble assured us that she did not plan to give up on her puppy campaign, as the controversy was sure to blow over before long. 

 

“I mean, come on—dog allergies? Whoever heard of such a thing? It’s probably just the latest health craze.” 

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