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Science Research Funds Cut at Pitt, Panic Spreads Across Campus


It is widely known that Pitt is a great campus for you if you’re someone who loves science or is good doing sciencey things. Recently, however, Pitt has decided to say screw you to you science nerds and cut your research funding. Seriously though, Pitt has finally realized how unnecessary it is to research things like medicine and whether the earth is flat or not. Now we here at Pitt get to study more important things like the meaning of life and books!


The Black Sheep reached out to the Galla-Gator and asked why he and the Pitt board of educations decided that science was dumb:


“You know, we all just sat down and thought for a good few hours and realized how cool philosophy is,” the Galla-Gator said. “Then we thought to actually go and try to do some of these things that the science people are doing and realized that it was super boring and repetitive and just cost us A LOT of money. So that’s why we decided to turn our science labs into art labs.”


Why is this controversial you may ask? Well, Pitt is (or now used to be) known as the campus to go to if you give a shit about science, especially medical science. There’s a thing around these parts called UPMC and that stands for University of Pittsburgh Medical Center. Well, now that will be known as TAFKUPMC; or The Artists Formerly Known as University of Pittsburgh Medical Center. This is seen as a problem by many people in the community.


A Pittsburgh native who use(d) UPMC as their main hospital service spoke out, saying, “So, like, where will we go to if we get sick or are dying? Literally, if we go there, they’ll just paint a picture of us while we bleed on the pavement.” Furthermore, TAFKUPMC has defined their new views on psychology and science of the mind, stating that their new treatment plans will involve writing poetry and talking about politics.


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Now, this crazyass change in policy will make some good changes. As this place used to be all about sciences and now is about the arts, shit’s about to get a lot more exciting and interesting. You know how all your friends in science majors have to study like 90% of their lives? Well with the new focus on liberal arts, Pitt students will now be required to devote a maximum of 1 hour a week to studying. The rest of the time you need to go out there and write poetry and books, draw stupid pictures, and make movies about that squirrel that lives in front of the Cathedral.


The student population is very divided on this issue. Half of the student population is incredibly pissed, with one student stating, “I’m a biology major and I’m not creative at all! I paid a shitton of money to go here and do what I actually like and now they’re taking all of that away from me!? I can’t draw a freaking stick figure, let alone a deep meditation on the human condition!”


Others, such as this liberal arts major are not as pissed, “Honestly, Pitt was fine before, my classes were interesting and I knew all of my teachers. Now it’s just going to be like those intro classes I took my first semester that were full of 200 plus people that were honestly not as cool. Why did they take away sciences?” A very good question asked, and a very understandable rage from the biology major. No matter the case, Pitt has changed and it might never change back. Say goodbye to STEM and say hello to ART!


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