Second-semester freshman Ryan Stamper believes we place too much value on human contact. Regarding his experience making friends at GVSU, he tells The Black Sheep, “The people in my classes are much more willing to talk to me online, whatever that means.” We asked him what advice he can give to incoming freshmen who are anxious about meeting people in college, and he responded, “I don’t hang out with many people, but I do talk to a lot of girls on Facebook, and let me tell you, there’s tons of power in a Facebook poke. I’ve got a pretty promising lead right now, actually.”
Stamper’s experience with women is extensive, according to him, “I get turned down a few hundred times a week, so I’d say I have more experience talking to girls than just about anyone. Take it from me, I’m a master.” The only problem Stamper seems to have with talking to women is using his voice to do so. Once he’s able to talk to them online, the magic happens.
We asked Stamper how he can talk to women online if he strikes out with them in person first. He clued us in on his esoteric technique: “See, here’s my method: I wait until a few weeks until classes have passed, giving me time to scope out who’s cute, and therefore worth talking to.” The champion of gender equality continued, “Then, over a few days I sit closer and closer to my target, until one day, I turn to her in class and say, ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ As a decent human being, she casually responds and the conversation ends.” He then revealed to us a much more complex plan.
He elaborated extensively, “Taking a detailed mental image of her, I pull my laptop onto my desk and open up my web browser. I sign into Blackboard and go to the “email,” section of my current class which gives me the option to email any group of users enrolled. I choose “student users,” which gives me a list of all the students in the class. Then, I open another tab in my browser, sign onto Facebook, and search all the girl’s names in the list until I find her profile and add her.”
At this point, we had to briefly leave the room to just…we don’t know, we just really needed to call our mothers and girlfriends, you know? We really need to check our sources better, but we guess here’s the rest of the interview, just for the sake of everyone avoiding this guy.
Self-assuredly, Stamper continues, “Odds are, she’ll receive the notification on her phone or on her laptop. If I waited until later, she might have the option to ignore me, but three feet away from her, it’d be way too awkward. She then adds me, and the poking begins. Now I have at least until the end of class to seal the deal, because most decent people would feel awkward being that passive-aggressive in person. It’s easy to exploit nice people. Out of 50 tries, zero have been successful, but I’m persistent. By the way, literally anybody can do this on Blackboard.”
It’s truly amazing the lengths some people will go to avoid a genuine human experience. We meant for this article to be insight for new students to make friends, but we ended up interviewing world’s most pathetic Don Juan. Thankfully, his methods are now on record due to this article. Good Lord.