We’ve been here before, haven’t we? The first time around we had a couple of well-rounded sex jokes based around the great American pastime. We had fun with that, right? Except not, because a few of you felt left out. Well, The Black Sheep heard your nonsexual cries and moans and decided to add our already impressive list of sexual basses. So strap in, strap on, and sit tight, because it’s Sexual Bases For Every College at the U Part 2, y’all!
The College of Design has a weird mix of artsy students. Every student is incredibly well-dressed and the building they’re in looks like the wet dream of an architect who’s seen one too many Star Trek episodes. The school is kind of like a bag of trail mix: some are nutty, others fruity, and others just downright weird.
First base: Wear color complimentary outfits that don’t match.
Second base: Touching each other’s color swatches while waiting for your work to render.
Third base: Letting someone look at your portfolio, without protection.
Home: Have perfect 45-degree-angle sex in a room with the perfect balance of light that features work by Saul Bass. If you can’t figure out Bass then you don’t even belong in the school.
You can tell someone goes to the College of Food, Agriculture, and Natural Resources Sciences by their torn overalls. That when you ask them what “all the way” means, they think Saint Paul. And that their walks of shame often include trudging through mud.
First base: Touching her cow udders (this is not a euphemism).
Second base: Go to an apple orchard and examine fertilization rates (this is also not a euphemism).
Third base: Open up a small garden together and examine girth changes in relation to moister. (Again, not a euphemism).
Home: Take them to St. Paul (this means sex).
You may have seen a student or two from the College of Continuing Education. They’re a bit older than the most of us, like a lot older. Whether these advanced learners are back in school for work or fun, or because their spouses left them leaving only the weekends to see the kids making them a dark sad shell of what they once were… That doesn’t mean they don’t get down!
First base: Discuss how the music has changed. When you were in school kids listened to good bands on their Walkmans. Now they’ve got iPods and Spotifys. What is Spotify? Is that an app or new show?
Second base: Complain about the government. Back in the good old days when the government worked, a firm slap on the rump was how you said hello to a woman. Now you can’t do that because she might be running for president.
Third base: Grab a game of hoop stick together and listen to the radio afterwards.
Home: Let’m touch your Medicare package.
So you don’t have a college because you don’t have a major, that’s fine. Lots of cool people didn’t get their degrees on time. And when people ask you what you’re studying just say you’re figuring it out, because that’s what you’re doing. You’re paying thousands of dollars to figure it out.
First base: Question what you might want to do with the rest of your life without a shirt on.
Second base: Consider taking a gap to really find yourself year while dry humping.
Third base: Realize you’re not going to be a scientist or surgeon because you don’t have the grades.
Home: Move back home and then have sex.