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Campus Life

Sink or Swim

Let’s face it, moving sucks and the amount of random stuff that college students can acquire over the course of one year is nothing short of incredible. Just organizing, packing up, and praying to god that you can find a storage unit within 100 miles of Kalamazoo is a hassle. With that said, why would you pack up and clean out your place the night before when you can drink yourself into a coma instead? Students always pack up late and throw away tons of things that are still useful. 

 

Time to dive into some trash with The Black Sheep and make those Japanese pearl divers look like a couple of toddlers drowning at the YMCA! 

 

How do I get started?

 

The best time to dumpster dive is anytime. Whether you’re sober, drunk, or driving to that tinder match’s house, there is really no reason why you can’t pull over to the side of the road and take your pick of the goodies that some lazy-ass threw away instead of packing. You have to take opportunities like this by the haunches and abuse them in every way possible. 

 

I don’t want to get caught dumpster diving.

 

You think you’re better than everyone else? Pop out a testicle and dive in. There’s amazing treasures in the cesspools that are the dumpsters of every Kalamazoo apartment complex. You never know what you’ll find! Whether it’s an old, beat-up mattress with some questionable stains or nude pictures of somebody’s pregnant mother, every person who popped that testicle out and jumped on in is bound to find something. If the Kalamazoo bums can do it, so can you. 

 

But won’t I get dirty whilst dumpster diving?

 

Yea probably, but who are you to whine about getting a little garbage on yourself, especially after what you did in the bedroom with that paper towel tube two nights ago? Filthy animal! If you don’t want to get dirty you can always use one of your neighbor’s hazmat suits while they aren’t working in their meth lab.  

 

I already have everything I need.

 

You can never have too much furniture! And being the horn dog you are there’s probably fewer bodily fluids soaked into the couch you saw on the side of the road than the one in your house or apartment. For those who haven’t ever fully furnished their house, this is the time when that dream comes true. The best part is that it’s all for free. College students love getting free shit. Don’t act like you haven’t gone back to the wine and beer samples at Meijer for seconds and twelfths. 

 

But as with all things in life, when you have a surplus you can always set that motherfucker on fire.  Who doesn’t like warming their hands and cooking marshmallows around a burning couch? That’s right, everyone likes to see meth labs, couches and the Olympic torch on fire.

 

What just touched my foot?

 

Was it slick and slippery? 

 

Yeah.

 

Banana peel or used condom more than likely.

 

Is it safe?

 

Probably not, people are already throwing shit away and not caring what else gets tossed into the trash. But look on the bright side; you probably won’t get AIDS or pregnant from the furniture you find in the trash. You have to look at all the positive possible outcomes of flinging yourself into another person’s dumpster and make their trash your treasure.

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