The latest social media craze sweeping the nation is specifically tailored to relieve finals stress. FacePalm, named after the most common finals season gesture, features a range of tools and techniques to distract and calm even the most ravaged mind.
Other social media lets people cloak themselves in perfection. Even as their roofs collapse on the 2 completed pages of their 25-page essay, they can post a sunbathing picture from 2015. With FacePalm, you can alleviate that pain. Sign up for this free site, and it will link you only to friends with worse social, academic, or financial problems than you.
“With FacePalm, I know my friends are always telling the truth with their updates,” says sophomore Alex Cramwell. “Normally it’s hard to be sure whether people are really as unphased and snappy as their profiles claim. But if you try to post a smiley emoji on FacePalm without joy emanating from every pore in your body, it fires 10,000 volts directly into your spine. Now I know Mark Vanderblot is more full of shit than I ever dreamed.”
In addition to revealing how horrible the lives of your colleagues are, FacePalm goes global in its effort to reassure you that your problems aren’t so bad. The app releases by-the-minute updates from various African orphans who would intern at a molten asphalt enema companies just to live in your shoes for a day.
The site incorporates various stress-reduction techniques common on modern campuses. For those who read up on celebrity gossip to escape, it features a constant flow of cathartic news articles ranging from celebrity nudes to Game of Thrones set leaks to Game of Thrones celebrity nudes on set. For the physically drained, the site can be hooked up to VR headsets for an immersive eyeball massage.
“I was already measuring myself for the noose after my first final,” chirps freshman Dan Ernst. “But FacePalm literally restored purpose and joy to my life! Now I know my classmates are all just as fucked as I am, and I have no disadvantage when we enter the bare-knuckle cage match that is postgrad life. I love you, FacePalm!”
Sign up for FacePalm now, while you still have a functioning mind.