It’s that time of the year again when transfers are huffing around like lost, overgrown children through the cold and stairs, some friends from the start of the year have dropped off the grid, and you’re probably torn between buying books or food or having a life outside of campus (aka booze). It’s the start of a new semester, so it MUST be the perfect time to try something new or better yourself! This is YOUR semester, Niner Nation, and because we know how hard it can be to find a feasible resolution, here are some suggestions to slay this semester.
5.) Go to the gym approximately twice a semester:
New semester, new you! A new, more fit you! But who has time for an actual gym routine? This semester, make sure to stop by the newly renovated Belk Gym like two or three times for that little ego boost you need. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.
Maybe somebody will just happen to ask you about your day right after you’re coming back from that “brisk” treadmill walk. Then you can proudly say, “Oh, it was okay. I stopped by the gym this morning but it’s no big deal.” OH BUT IT IS. It’s a very big deal. Did you just twerk for 30 minutes in that Zumba class? We count it. Was that your ~second~ trip to the gym already? Resolution = met. Go you!
4.) Become BFF’s with Greg Olsen’s brother:
Having a vague resolution like “make new friends!” is daunting — at least have a clear end goal in sight. If you don’t know who Greg Olsen is, he’s the Panther’s star tight end. His little bro, Kevin Olsen, is transferring to UNCC to play for the 49ers football team this semester, so you should maybe try to be friends with him as some lame claim to fame. But, maybe he’s a cool guy and you’ll form a real friendship that will last years with endless and irreplaceable memories, regardless of the baggage he might be bringing with him. Maybe you’ll get to meet the Panthers! Or maybe you’ll get to meet the Dean of Students for stalking. That’s cool too. (We ship you, though.)
3.) Drink to the memory of Belk Tower only 3 times a day:
Try to make it a personal goal to only ugly cry and drink when you think about our long lost monument a maximum of three times a day. Anything more than that is excessive, but understandable. We’re here for you. It’s a terrible loss. Belk Tower may be gone forever, but we’re sure Chancellor Dubois will find something as tacky as the Atkins carpet to replace it. Regardless, it’ll never be the same (especially since we have to walk all the way around the fences in the winter elements to get to class)… RIP, you phallic campus norm.
2.) Kill it on Yik Yak:
UNCC has a thriving community on the Yik Yak app, so make it your goal to make someone laugh, smile, cry, or vomit profusely at your carefully crafted posts this semester. Talk about your last relationship or maybe something funny you saw at Prospector. Rant about Pastor Gary. Complain about Crown or PATS or our Chemistry department. Those are usually pretty popular. Take a picture of a goose. Take a picture of the sunset… five times. Take a picture of segway guy, Michael Jackson Carrot Top, shirtless black guy, or unicycle guy. Any of these will work. Be more concerned over your yak karma and upvotes than your GPA, and you’ll be Yik Yak famous in no time!
1.) Form an alliance with the campus raccoons:
Boutta scavenge dat booty
— UNCC Raccoon (@UNCCRaccoon) November 18, 2015
You’re gonna run out of meal swipes, DB, and Poptarts from your mini fridge at some point this semester. When this happens, you should be prepared to meet up with your furry friends to collect food offerings. The UNCC raccoons can get you some half-decent chow mein leftovers from Panda Express or maybe an entire dropped SoVi to-go box on those lucky days! Sometimes they chill in the Atkin’s trashcans, or around Phase IV dumpsters — particularly one rather obese raccoon that might have a disability. You’ll need this partnership when times get tough this Spring. Don’t take the frightened, caught stares or scurrying away personally — they’re probably friendlier than the geese. Also freshmen, you’re in for a treat once nesting season comes around. Spring does not equal new life; it’s going to be a death battle on the way to class with the geese.
Whatever your resolutions are this semester are, just remember to keep your goals in your line of sight and work your hardest to be your best. But, if all else fails, just remember that one study found that only 8% of people meet their resolutions: you don’t have to be that 8%! You keep doing you, and if that means failing, then (just like with those 16 hour withdrawal limits) you always have next semester!