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Student Blames Poor Midterms on Masturbation Cycle

Being a college student requires long, hard hours with perfectly erected schedules, unless you wanted to get shafted by the university. According to GVSU student, Jeremy “Jer” Soff , this even includes strategic planning of when to work the willy, choke the chicken, or spit-shine the ol’ water pump.


Soff was tragically derailed off his strict “me time” schedule several times before midterms, which he ultimately blames for his poor academic performance. “Tuesdays and Thursdays are reserved from 7-7:30 a.m.” Soff told us, “Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are the same, but with the addition of 11:30-noon. Weekends are like Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, with a half hour thrown in around 10 p.m. I reach maximum work capabilities and concentration right after I wax the brass candlestick. I haven’t missed my schedule since the great ‘double hand cramp’ of ’09.”


Unfortunately at 7:05 a.m. last Tuesday, Soff received a phone call from his grandmother asking about his girlfriend (who clearly doesn’t exist). At 7:20, Soff hastily tried to salvage his lost time before taking his midterm, but was distracted when his roommate knocked on his door asking if he’d seen his Batman wallet. “I was pissed,” Soff said with a sigh, “you can’t mess with tradition.” Soff then, with a painful struggle, went to take his physics exam with a case of self-induced blue balls.


After the exam, he lamented over what went wrong. “I swear I studied, but I might as well have turned in my exam blank that day. My balls hurt so bad, it was throwing off my A-game.” Soff decided to invest in a “do not disturb” sign and began turning off his phone during his pre-allotted meetings with Mr. Meat.


Confident that his newly-employed happy time protocol would suffice, Soff approached his Wednesday sessions with a renewed vigor: “I was hoping I could get back in the groove of things without a hitch. I even stayed up late Tuesday night making a spank playlist.” But halfway into tickling his trumpet, the fire alarm went off and he was once again forced to abort. Soff went on to fail his 2nd midterm on Wednesday, claiming that if he had flogged the dolphin then the hot girl sitting next him wouldn’t have been such a distraction. “Unbelievable,” Soff said of the test, “how am I supposed to concentrate on organic chemistry when I’m as hard as a teenager with a fast internet connection?”


Having one exam left, Soff was determined to jerk the gherkin by any means necessary. Between classes he rushed home and prepared for his long-awaited date with Palmela Handerson. Moments in, he experienced a severe leg cramp. Soff powered through, “Not this time,” he yelled aloud to himself. After several more minutes of holding his sausage hostage, Soff was left feeling satisfied.


Sadly, he had to spend an extra 15 minutes on cleanup time and arrived halfway through the next exam. “This never would have happened if I could’ve kept to the schedule!” claimed Soff. Jer Soff has since decided to drop all his classes and restructure his life.


*Editor’s note* If you suffer from excessive habits of punchin’ the munchkin’, or butterin’ the corn to porn and would like to seek help please contact the masturbation hotline at 1-800-NO-HANDS. Make your life a more productive one today. Standard carrier rates may apply.

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