Ty Bortelli, MSU sophomore and religious Sparty’s Combo-er, came into his ISS lecture last Tuesday with a hunger that had nothing to do with learning the pros and cons of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo.
“I missed the bus, so instead I walked all the way to Kedzie, getting my Combo on the way,” Ty recalled. “I made it just in time. My prof started lecturing, so I pulled out my shwarm. I was this close to taking a bite when my professor pointed right into my soul and yelled ‘STOP!’ as loudly as his sad little lungs could muster.” Ty shook his head. “And that’s where it all changed.”
Ty’s professor, Mr. Buscemi, reportedly asked Ty the age old question: “Did you bring enough for the rest of us?”
“I thought he was kidding,” Ty explained, “so I laughed and went back to my shawarma, but then he threw a piece of chalk at me! Minutes later, I’m passing out torn up pieces of my chicken shawarma to the entire lecture hall.” Ty’s eyes widened and began tearing up. “It’s the worst thing I’ve ever gone through.”
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Mr. Buscemi, however, felt anything but sad about the whole fiasco.
“I just transferred from teaching 3rd grade, but I feel like I’m blending in really well here,” Buscemi remarked. “These kids need to learn about fairness and caring for other people’s hungry tum-tums. Uh, I mean, stomachs. And hey, we all got a nice snack out of it! Everyone loves snack time.”
“I was starving the entire lecture,” Ty sulked. “This is literally the only time I can eat. After class, I decided I wasn’t going to sit through another lecture watching 200 people eat my lunch.”
Ty now has an arrangement with the Erikson Sparty’s. Twice a week, he picks up ten 6-foot shawarmas to bring to his fellow classmates.
“Man’s gotta eat,” Ty reported.
Besides Ty having to shell out every dollar to his name just for a lunch, this ISS lecture is hitting him with money issues outside of class.
“I went to Dublin last Friday, and a group of guys from lecture recognized me. They kept ordering rounds, yelling ‘This one’s on Ty!’ as if buying random people food and drinks is a weird hobby of mine.” Ty shook his head. “All I wanted was a shawarma.”
Ty reportedly walked into his ISS lecture the following week carrying only nine 6-foot shawarmas. When asked, Ty innocently said that Sparty’s must have messed up his order, all while the tenth was strategically hidden in his backpack and towering over his head.