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Student Performs Amateur Exorcisms in Haunted GVSU Dorms


Ghosts have always been a part of Grand Valley’s campus as alumni and unlucky transfer students pass on. They’re fun and cool and usually mind their own business (much like Harry Potter ghosts), but not this year. Ghosts have been running rampant in almost every freshman dorm and the poor things are at a loss for what to do about it.


One anonymous freshman described his recent encounter with a ghost to us on the second floor of North C, “I was just chillin’, vaping in my room without shoes on and listening to Trap when this ghost came out of nowhere and started to tear my Bob Marley posters down. I was furious. My mom helped me put those up!”


However, these ghosts have been doing more than just ripping down tapestries. For many students, getting possessed has become a real concern after Julie Brooks from Niemeyer was taken over. “It made me dance and sing our fight song in front of the clock tower. I didn’t even know we had a fight song! And I hate the outdoors,” Brooks stated.


Possessions are tricky to identify at first; the students act as they normally would until the poltergeist learns more about them. Then, after a few days of getting to know his new identity, the ghost will start calling its vessel’s parents asking to go to the doctor for an Adderall prescription and getting MIPs; totally unlike its host. To learn more about these ghosts and their destructive behavior, we went to the Paranormal Society on campus and talked to expert Bert Lopez about the issue.


“The thing about these ghosts is that they just want to relive their college life because the majority of them died on campus in the Great Campus Famine of 1999. So many students, so few Laker Bowls…The best thing to do is let the ghost run its course and have its fun until it either kills the victim or decides that Hell is better than being nineteen years old in 2015 and leaves,” said Lopez.


Some students have accepted their fate of broken posters and new body companionship. Others have decided to take matters into their own hands. Three-week member of Campus Ministry Julian Franks believes he knows the solution to these possessions.


“I’ve googled exorcisms and have watched multiple documentaries on other stuff, so I’ve started performing exorcisms on students during quiet hours,” he stated, “I start off with a few Bible verses and put my Jesus chain on their forehead. Have you seen Jesus Camp? It’s basically like that. If that doesn’t work I’ll put some toilet water in a little plastic bottle labeled ‘Holy Water’ because real Holy Water is expensive as shit.”


Franks went on to say that the session usually ends with the victim throwing up and crying: “Maybe they aren’t possessed and they’re just drunk, but I’m trying to keep my business profile so if you or someone you know feels drunk, you’re probably possessed.”


Franks will be doing exorcisms every Wednesday night and requests appointments be made in advance due to a full schedule. Franks charges $30 or a partial refund if the ghost is an asshole and won’t leave.



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