While you lay on your back after slipping on a patch of ice on Copeslope, one question crosses your mind: why are you paying $20,000 a year to go to a school that doesn’t even salt the sidewalks? Well, we have the answer, GV. We don’t have any salt!
The weather in Grand Valley has proven to be bipolar and a massive bitch. With week-long snowstorms that accumulate a foot of snow, students are forced to lace up those snow boots and take a knee-deep walk to class. With all of the snow days between November and January, GV has used up their entire salt reserve, and there is now an extreme salt shortage.
Yes, the walkways are plowed. And the heated sidewalks are trying to fight their way through five inches of thick ice, but nothing beats a well-salted sidewalk.
“With the anticipation of another terrible winter salt prices have shot up,” salt-enthusiast, Brine Saltine told us, “GV has no choice but to give up on the well-salted walkways and hope that no student goes as far as to sue GV for their broken bones.”
Is it really fair though, to the students of GV, for the school to spend millions on new buildings, but sit back and laugh while their students drop left and right because they didn’t wear ice skates to school that day? “I might as well just start salting a pathway to class each night myself,” third-year student Demetri Marvin stated, “then I wouldn’t have to fear death as much.”
The student body is rebelling against the salt shortage. Salt shakers from Fresh have begun to disappear in the night. Evidence suggests that the stolen salt is being used for the safety of the common folk, and this group of students have become the heroes of GV. With a utility belt of hidden salt shakers, the Neighborhood Salt Watch spends their nights meticulously spreading table salt on sidewalks for the safety of the students.
Clearly the group is sending a message to the higher ups that they cannot withhold the safety of salt from the students. By our calculations, Grand Valley is paying dearly for their lost salt shakers, spending more money replacing them than if they just gave in and agreed to salt the walkways.
“Look, I don’t really care who salts the sidewalks,” President T. Haas explained at a press conference. “If the vigilantes wanted to send a message they should’ve covered my car in salt. If they’re salting the sidewalks, why would we? We’re just not going to use salt in the cafeteria anymore and then we’ll see who quits first. You’re only hurting your taste buds when you don’t go out and buy your salt. I really don’t give a shit.”
More recently the salt shakers have begun pouring water on the president’s car (at his recommendation) and leaving menacing notes that say “If we freeze, you’re freezing with us.” Hopefully sometime soon Haas learns to give a shit or there’s going to be a lot of students raiding the athletic department (students have to make snow shoes somehow and they’re sure as hell not buying their own tennis rackets).