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Students Suffer the Fatigues of ‘Hell Week’

While students were aware of the hardships that would come with midterm exams, no one could have predicted the intensity of Hell Week of Fall 2014. On Monday, the gates of Hell split open and the realm of the eternally damned forced itself upon the surface of the Earth.

 

Midterm exams are a key point in the semester, and many students have had a difficult time balancing the stress that comes with exams and the end of life as we know it. “Ugh,” said Sarah M., “I’ve been so stressed out about my Engineering exam, so of course the dark lord Satan would bring a new era of darkness upon our world. Rude.” Oblivion unleashing itself has provided many difficulties for students like Sarah, who have been inconvenienced by poor Wifi connection, power outages, and blood raining down from the sky.

 

The library, which often has a hard time compensating all the needs of students during midterms, has seen a dramatic drop in attendance as a result of the presence of millions of tortured spirits released from their fiery prison. “It’s surreal. All of a sudden everyone forgets what a valuable asset the library is just because the sky turns red and no one can sleep because of the constant screaming,” library employee Reggie U. told our reporters. “We even tried bringing in puppies,” said Reggie, “But even then they were too afraid of evil incarnate to leave their homes.”

 

While many professors have postponed exams in light of the recent darkness, some such as Professor Whitman of the Biology department insist that students are aware of the commitment to their courses. “It’s no excuse,” said Whitman, “They’re adults. If it’s on the syllabus, students know to prepare.” Whitman has made clear in several emails that there will be no make-ups and that “students are students first, servants of the Author of All Sin second.”

 

As exams come to a close, students are hoping they’ll be relieved of the stress of Hell Week 2014, although several are claiming that next week doesn’t look much better. One student told reporters, “Listen, I’ve got an exam and two essays due next week—either way I’m in Hell.”      

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