Missed your bus to go home for Thanksgiving break? Missed your flight? Your parents don’t want to pick you up? Well, sucks to be you, really—but you can still celebrate Thanksgiving dinner for a party of one in your very own dorm room! You have all the necessities, if you think about it. For example…
The Turkey: Granted, you can’t obtain a freshly oven roasted, golden brown, juicy real turkey, but turkey lunchmeat will do! Pop open that generic brand lunchmeat and put a heaping pile of it on a plate to try to resemble the glorious shredded, real turkey pieces you would have if you were at home.
Cheesy Potatoes/Mashed Potatoes: Maybe it’s just a Wisconsin thing, but cheesy potatoes are definitely the way to go. And guess what? You have it in your dorm room closet. Find your instant mac and cheese cups, throw it in the microwave and in two splendid minutes you’ll have the cheese and the potato (the noodle is a carb too—it’s all the same). If you somehow don’t like cheese (are you some sort of Communist? Do you kick puppies for fun? WHO ARE YOU?!), make your mac and cheese, mash up the noodles and don’t use the cheese I guess? Yeah, it’s gross—but not as disgusting as a life without cheese.
Green Bean Casserole: This one is a bit trickier, and frankly it is the most important. You know that if you were at home, you’d be eyeing up the green bean casserole all night, making sure your spot at dinner is closest to the casserole so you can have first dibs on it. For this, you’ll have to go buy a can of green beans and pretend it’s a casserole. That’s the best you can do. You might have to ask your mom if she can mail you a care package of green bean casserole if you want to be really authentic.
Cranberry Sauce: Cranberry juice, applesauce cups (you know you have these, don’t even lie), and cranberry vodka to add a bit of flavor. Mix it all together and you’ve got a new and improved college student version of the traditional cranberry sauce. Traditions are made to be broken—and to get drunk off of.
Rolls: You must have a loaf of processed bread in your room. Go to Gordon’s and steal a few travel buttercups, throw a piece of bread in your microwave and TA-DAH! You now have a warm, buttery, makeshift croissant.
Wine: At home your parents would offer you a glass of wine and it would be some really fancy shit that tastes classy. However, since you are in your dorm room, whip out that bag of Franzia you have hidden in your closet, and slap away. Drink away your lonely sorrows.
Pumpkin Pie: Ever heard of Starbucks? Go there and order a pumpkin spice latte. Bam. Pumpkin pie, basic bitch style.
Last but definitely not least, don’t forget to give thanks—that is what this holiday is all about after all. Give thanks that you managed to do “good enough” on your midterms, that there are no RA’s around to bug you about quite hours, that those annoying people on your floor are gone, that you are a Badger and not a Golden Gopher, and that the semester is almost over. There is much to be thankful. Even if you do have to spend Thanksgiving in your dorm room.