Feeling sad? Want to just stop doing anything at all? Stress from the school year taking you over? How about curling up into a ball!? Curling up into a ball solves many of life’s problems. You can: ignore your obligations, skip out on assignments, not go to class, have an excuse to not go hang out with those friends who you don’t really like that much but you still hang out with them anyway because you live next to them and your actual best friends are too busy doing stuff like clubs and the like, or you’re cold! We have done our field research and found the best places for all of you students here at Pitt to go and cower in the fetal position!
Number one on our list comes as no surprise. It’s the place where everyone goes to drown their sorrows if they’re not over the age of 21. Any time someone says they’re going to library to study, you know that just means to look on Facebook and take a nap while clutching their knees to their chests. Hillman is a place full of knowledge and can help anyone with any subject, but what it is truly better at is a haven for underslept, overworked, drunk, busy, and/or procrastinating college students to come and sip some coffee and avoid doing any work.
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It’s big, it’s empty most of the time, and there’s a Burger King there. You want some alone time with some chicken fries or a burger or something cheap and greasy like that? Then go up to the Pete, but don’t forget your oversized zip-up sad hoodie, grab some fast food, go into the stadium and sit in one of the nosebleeds, and just curl up into a sad little ball.
It’s self-explanatory, if you’re old enough to get in, get in. You can rock back and forth in the fetal position in a crowd and no one will even judge at all! It’s to be expected that people will want to cry in bars and if you’re of the more sociable type while being super sad, you’ll have a bunch of sad buddies too! You’ll also have happy ones, but those people are just too happy and don’t understand your need to curl up into a ball. The bartenders sure will though, and they’ll keep pumping you full of alcohol for as long as you need—like a true friend.
The Carnegie Museum:
This place has some great art, and also some modern stuff. You want to be in a place with a bunch of bleeding hearts like yourself? This is the place for you. You’ll have all sorts of classic, sad artists’ work that accurately reflects how you feel about life at the moment. There’s also a bunch of dinosaurs that might cheer you up, because who the hell doesn’t absolutely love dinosaurs? Just be careful to not be seen and taken by security, they probably have to do that to a bunch of weirdos like you.
Nature is wonderful and Phipps has a whole lot of nature. What better way to curl up into a ball than with a bunch of living organisms who don’t feel emotion? None at all, so make sure to hug a tree and tell all the other bushes and leaves how you feel since your friends are jerks and will laugh at you. The plants might too, but you should try anyway!