Step right up for front-row seats to the best show on campus: sorority recruitment. Amplify your geed status by staking out the best locations to watch sweaty, miserable girls pretend to be enthusiastic about spending their parents’ life savings on buying friends. We found the best spots to sit, relax, and enjoy the show:
Caffe Paradiso (September 13): Caffe Paradiso has the best view of the recruitment process. Try to snag a seat by the big window facing Lincoln Avenue. Those booths go fast, so you may want to get there when the rooster crows. The girls move in packs, hunting houses like prey. One of the benefits of sitting at Caffe Paradiso is that the window will soften the sound of sorority girls chanting as new girls enter the houses. This will save you a lot of blood loss and permanent damage from the ears.
Best views of: Alpha Chi Omega, Kappa Kappa Gamma, Alpha Gamma Delta, and Kappa Delta
Merry Ann’s Diner (September 13): Don’t grab a booth – you’re grabbing some greasy food to go. Head over to the corner of Nevada and Goodwin and pop a squat on the curb. From here, watch the “mutual selection process” of recruitment. It’s sort of like how dogs get to know each other by sniffing each other’s butts, except the girls are kissing the asses of members of the houses they want to get in. But when you see girls with oddly-colored brown noses, it’s not shit from kissing asses; it’s just their self-tanner melting off.
Best views of: Alpha Omicron Pi, Alpha Delta Pi, Gamma Phi Beta, and Sigma Delta Tau
Starbucks in the IUB (September 13): The greasy food from Merry Ann’s is probably making you feel sluggish. Build up the pep again to match the fake grins plastered on the recruitment girls’ faces. Grab a mocha-choca-something at Starbucks and sit outside of the Illini Union Bookstore. Even though you’re right by a crowded bus stop, it’ll be easy to spot the recruitment gals because they’re all wearing matching t-shirts. If you want to make it more fun, fling some froth from your latte at the girls when they go past you. You’ll hear their devastated screams from miles away when they realize the stain on their shirt could cost them their entire college social life.
Best views of: Pi Beta Phi, Chi Omega, and Kappa Alpha Theta
KAM’S (on-the-go) (September 14): Grab a couple of beers at KAM’S and take to the intersection of Daniel and Third. Sit on the curb again and try to trip any girls who walk by. You get 5,000 bonus points if you trip girls who wear rollerskates to get around formal recruitment. Another bonus if you can spot the girls who wore the wrong type of underwear with their semi-formal dresses for the third invite. Every granny panty showing through a dress deserves a shot at KAM’S after the show.
Best views of: Sigma Kappa, Alpha Epsilon Phi, and Phi Sigma Sigma
The Quad (September 15): The grand finale of the show is Bid Day. Pack a blanket and a picnic complete with Pop-Tarts and PBR to bring to the main quad. Try to get as close to Foellinger as you can. Sitting front row outside of Foellinger is like sitting ring-side at a boxing match. You’ll see all the blood and tears, and some of it will probably get on you. If you’re feeling generous, bring some packs of tissues to throw at girls who didn’t get into the houses they wanted. If you’re feeling cruel, make signs that tear away at girls’ self-esteem. Give high-fives to the girls that walk past who got into the houses they wanted. You deserve the high-five as much as they do after going through this whole process with them. And if you can’t make it to the show live, watch it from your couch on the Foellinger webcam.
Best views of: Girls crying out of joy and/or devastation
Watching recruitment has all the highs and lows of a crappy, Spanish soap opera. Plus, this year has the bonus of high-waist shorts, which are perfect for girls to judge jiggling cellulite of protruding butt cheeks and guys to enjoy seeing some butt cheeks.