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The Black Sheep Attends Meijer Mania

Oh boy, Meijer Mania is here again. You know what that means? Free soap, woman’s hair things that I’ll use as slingshots, 17 pairs of sunglasses you won’t wear, and the humiliation of not being able to toss a football through a circle. Let’s get started!


On my way into Meijer I saw a golden light shining over what looked like an old camper that my grandparents use to have. Upon closer inspection, I found that there was a sign that said free ice cream. The beautiful man asked for my flavor preference and gracefully handed over the delectable treat of a cup filled to the rim with cookie dough ice cream. I was hopeful.


For some reason nobody could figure out how to line up for the first booth so I was greeted by a mosh pit of people surrounding the free soap booth.


In order to get the embarrassment out of the way quickly, I made my way to the football toss line. With a giggle and a smirk, the man in charge pointed at the women’s line to throw from. I fought back tears and went on to miss three throws from six feet away. Sorry, dad.


Crying is draining so I needed to refuel. Sulking in the direction of the food vendors, I was able to rack up three pairs of shit sunglasses that will never make it out of my glove box in my car.


Before I had made it to the refueling point, I managed to catch a glimpse of the Plinko booth. I tested my luck and somehow managed to win the $10 gift card! My celebration dance was a bit over-done so the lady at the booth politely asked me to stop and leave before she called her manager.


Thank God hey had hot dogs again this year. Too bad that beautiful treat lasted but four seconds in my hands. I washed ‘er down with a nice cup of “coffee-like substance” that probably shouldn’t be consumed by humankind.


Because I didn’t feel embarrassed enough, I decided to sign up for the planking challenge. My competition consisted of a cheerleader, a man with a fedora, a little girl with a Barbie t-shirt, and an old man with a cane. I came in fourth, just barely beating that asshole with the fedora. Not bad. At least they gave me a raffle ticket I guess.


I promptly made my way to the club floor (?) and watched some people dance and a girl have a seizure. She claimed she was dancing.


I put my raffle ticket in and reached for a new ticket to see if I was the winner. I slowly peeled back the red, sticky ticket and was delighted to see the words “You are a winner!” embellished across it. What did I win? Is it something cool? I won… a laundry thing! The DJ even announced that I was a winner and pointed me out to all the people on the dance floor. They stared and rolled their eyes. I was sad, but the joke’s on them! They don’t have anything cool to put their dirty laundry in!            


Wow, what a day! It was getting late (9:13) and I needed to get some sleep. I looked back and took one last meaningful glance at Meijer, sighed. At least I got some free stuff and, after all, that’s what Meijer Mania is really about.

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