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The Black Sheep Exclusive: Overnight in Pencader Dining Hall

 

The Pencader Dining Hall reigned supreme as everyone’s favorite dining spot for years with hundreds of eager students flooding its gates each day. After the opening of the Cesar Rodney Dining Hall, however, this once monolith of subpar “food” now averages  12 students per night, 11 of whom wander in asking for directions to Cesar Rodney, and the last person having lost all sensation in their tongue and living really close to the dining hall. So The Black Sheep set out to go behind the scenes and see what turned this once-great eatery into a deserted wasteland for lost souls. Our night began at 11:30 p.m. when the last of the cleaning staff rolled out of the joint. Around 1:58a.m.,strange sounds were coming from the back room so we went over to investigate.

 

The cooking area of the dining hall was unbelievable, there were rats everywhere. Big rats, small rats, tall rats, short rats, fat rats, skinny rats, Donald Trump; any rat you can ever imagine, you could find there. The rats were all performing various tasks; kneading the pizza dough, making the pasta sauce, preparing the ingredients. Surely anyone who’s seen Ratatouille before knows if rats are really behind all of this, the food should be amazing.

 

Walking through the kitchen, however, it was apparent that the rats were not in their best shape. They were coughing, sneezing, and spitting up all over the food. When we asked one of the rats to perhaps not contaminate the food and cause yet another outbreak of the bubonic plague, the rat hissed and said “…they don’t pay us to put up with your shit.” Another rat informed us that they don’t actually get paid, and that although Aramark is the leading employer of rats everywhere, they don’t pay the rats. “This is real life not the Bee Movie, we can’t just sue them for not paying us. So we just suck it up and work, or we’re jobless and out on the streets.”

 

We told the rats that we had come was to find out why Pencader was in such shambles. One rat answered, “You have to speak to the great one about that. The great one knows all.” They began chanting in unison as an ornately dressed rat emerged out of the manager’s office. He introduced himself as The Great Rat and said the real reason behind Pencader’s failure was that the best rat chefs left to go work for The Fresh Food Company in hopes of finally getting paid. But alas, turns out that Aramark was behind the new company all along and the rats are now trapped at the new dining hall.

 

Finally, it all made sense, it was a classic case of corporate trickery and mistreatment. The best rat chefs were deceived into working for the new dining hall, leaving the old decrepit rats to wither away along with Pencader. That was the real secret to the wretched state that Pencader had been in for the past couple of months.

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