Recently, it was announced that the keynote speaker at this spring’s commencement will be none other than former OSU football star and current CEO of the OSU Alumni Association, Archie Griffin. However, despite the usual applause and fangirling that accompanies Archie wherever he goes, this news has been met with some unexpected backlash. It seems that after the university struck out with 2014’s pick of an old white dude, many people were looking for this year’s speaker to have a bit more star power. But like the drunk guy whose friends keep telling him “no one is looking to fight,” Archie is set on proving the opposition wrong. So in order to put the controversy to rest, Archie has decided to give The Black Sheep an exclusive look into the writing process of his commencement speech.
We arrived on scene at the Woody Hayes Athletic Center to find Archie staring into the case containing his Heisman. As we approached, it became clear that he was also mumbling to himself. When asked, Archie revealed that he had memorized the entirety of Joey’s graduation speech from Dawson’s Creek. “Gotta study the greats before I take a swing at it,” Archie told us as he turned and walked back into his office. We followed, and immediately were overcome by a smell so putrid, it rivaled that of Formaggio’s on a Thursday.
“I had No.1 Chinese stock me up before they closed,” Archie admitted ,”I’ve found their fried rice really helps me get in the creative zone.” He then opened a mini fridge behind his desk to reveal a dozen cartons of rice and proceeded to eat two of them in four and a half minutes. “Woo! That’s the stuff!” he yelled as he crushed the cartons against his head and then ate those too. Having now reached the proper creative mindset, Archie led us to a large white board, which he was using to brainstorm ideas for his speech.
“The key to a great speech is achieving the perfect mix of pop culture references, crowd engagement, and rhyme,” Archie explained as he unconsciously doodled football plays on the board. “I’ve already got Brutus and the T-shirt cannon on lock, and some kid who thinks he’s a rapper is helping me with my rhymes. Now all I need is the perfect pop culture reference to connect with the youths. But what?” Archie seemed utterly perplexed as he stared at the whiteboard where underneath the heading “Things The Kids Talk About on the Twitter” he had listed:
– Justin Bieber
– Being in love with the Coco (coco butter? coco puffs?)
– Sad quotes from Drake (reminder to check in on Michael…didn’t know he was so down)
– The booty
– Toaster Strudel
“Whoops! That last one was supposed to go on my grocery list,” Archie chuckled sheepishly as he erased it. Suddenly, he froze, deep in thought. “Wait a second. That’s it!”
An excited Archie Griffin then proceeded to write furiously for twenty minutes. “There, I think it’s done. And all you college kids act like writing is hard.” He handed us the newest version of his speech, which within seconds we realized was simply the lyrics to R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix).” So, if you were on the fence about Archie before, fear not. The man knows exactly how to send the Class of 2015 off into the real world… and the freakin’ weekend.