Market, Market, Market. Just when we thought you had turned your act around, something new and disgusting happens. In case you missed it, a student found what at best could be described as a sentient noodle and at worst a maggot. “This is fucking Market for you,” quipped the poor student. The Black Sheep wanted to get to the bottom of this story, so we reached out to a few people involved. Interestingly enough, the only person who responded to our call was the sultan of sludge himself, Market Maggot. Without further ado, here’s the interview:
The Black Sheep (TBS): First off we are super stoked that we got in touch with you. We’re sure you have a lot of people trying to get an interview from you.
Market Maggot (MM): No problem! I’m a big fan of your articles. Much better than The Pittiful News, which seems to be pretty prevalent in the trash bins where I roam.
TBS: That really means a lot coming from a larvae such as yourself. Now time for our first question: How did you end up in that plate of spaghetti?
MM: This may not be easy to tell, but I’m actually half Italian, so when I heard that Market was serving up some spicy meat-a-balls, I had to try them for myself.
TBS: Did it ever occur to you that someone else might want to eat that plate?
MM: I suppose, but technically I was ahead of him in line. I went to grab my plate and before I knew it he was slamming it down on the table. I didn’t want to start a fight, so I was trying to crawl away.
TBS: That’s very polite of you. We probably would’ve fought for our food back.
MM: It wasn’t worth the fight. Worms are generally pacifists, there’s plenty of rotting flesh for us all, so why squabble?
TBS: Very wise of you. How did you feel being filmed the way that you were?
MM: I’m pretty camera shy, so you can see when I realized I was in the spotlight I kind of just started flailing. The strong language that the cameraman used was also a little harsh. I was just trying to grab some food!
TBS: There are some people who are disgusted that Market let you slip through the cracks and onto a plate. Do you care to address this?
MM: I understand their concerns completely. If I was eating and I found a human in my noodles, I’d be pissed as well. (chuckles) Just kidding, I’d start eating the human. Maggots are not picky eaters.
TBS: That is both fascinating and disgusting. A lot of famous people blow up and then act like they don’t know anyone. How has this fame changed you?
MM: I truly feel blessed. Most bug celebrities don’t get famous until their final stage of metamorphosis. I found fame early, so I’m just trying to stay humble.
TBS: We’re glad to hear that. So, what is your favorite thing to eat at Market?
MM: At Market? The stir fry is pretty good, so keep an eye out, I might end up in your next bowl! (laughs)
TBS: (laughs) (vomits)
That concludes our interview with Pitt’s newest celebrity. While we’re happy he found fame, we really hope that he stays the hell out of our food. We’ll probably be avoiding Market even more than usual now. In the meantime, you can follow Market Maggot’s antics on Twitter: @pittmaggot