On Friday afternoon, an incident at the 3500 block of Fifth Avenue caused serious traffic congestion and commotion in Oakland. It was reported to Pitt Police around 1:30 p.m. that a suspicious suitcase had been chained to a pedestrian railing just outside of Hieber’s Pharmacy. The Pittsburgh bomb squad was called to the scene and the suitcase, using a super high-tech robot they got as an early Christmas gift, was detonated around 3 p.m.
Although no one was injured, the explosion caused general confusion for many Oakland residents and local employees, as it sounded comparable to a seriously intense bass drop. It was later announced that the suitcase’s contents included nothing of malicious intent, and that it was actually just some old Yinzer who seemingly mistook his suitcase for his beloved dog, Sparky. The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to interview this gentleman, who has chosen to go unidentified for paparazzi purposes.
The Black Sheep (TBS): So, what were your intentions on Friday afternoon when you left your suitcase chained up on Fifth Avenue?
Old Yinzer (OY): Well, I told the police already. I had come all the way from dahntahn to go to my doctor’s appointment, and when I got to Oakland, I didn’t want any trouble so I pulled out my trusty lock and chain and tied up my suitcase for safe keeping n’at. I didn’t think nothing of it.
TBS: Do you carry this lock and chain around with you everywhere?
OY: Of course, what kinda questions are yinz askin’ me? Who doesn’t carry around their lock and chain?
TBS: Out of curiosity, why didn’t you bring your suitcase into the doctor’s appointment with you?
OY: I didn’t think my sweaters and other personal items could handle the tension in there. Also, I had some chipped ham in there that needed to stay in the cold.
TBS: What was your immediate reaction when you exited the building to find that your suitcase had been detonated?
OY: The suitcase has been passed down in my family for generations so it was a really emotional moment for me. My dad used to wheel around his lock and chain in the suitcase and before that, my grandpa did the same with his lock and chain, and before that my great grandpa… and so on and so on. Legend has it, that suitcase fought with General Warshington at the Battle of Fort Duquesne.
TBS: We’re so sorry for your loss. If you could go back in time, what would you do differently?
OY: Well I’d have left a big note on my suitcase that said “NOT A BOMB,” I’m sure that would have made it clear that there was no needs for yinz to be afraid, but it’s past the point now, the world lost a genuinely loyal and seriously efficient piece of luggage.
TBS: What do you have to say to the bomb squad and the robot that caused this tragic loss?
OY: The kids these days, they’re too technology happy n’at. Who needs ‘em?
A candlelight vigil will be held sometime this week for the deceased luggage, around the char marks left outside Hieber’s Pharmacy. More details will be published about the event as they become available. Donations in the suitcases memory can be sent to the Macy’s at Ross Park Mall, Travel Shop.