If you’ve been at UT for a while now, there’s no way you’ve missed the bearded street preacher often seen standing at the cross-section of Volunteer and Pedestrian outside of Hodges. The Black Sheep got tired of trying to figure out whether or not we should hate this guy, so we actually talked to him ourselves so you could decide on your own.
The Black Sheep: What do you hope to accomplish by doing this once every week?
UT Preacher: I just want to bring sinners to Jesus Christ.
TBS: Has this method been effective in doing just that?
UTP: I like to think so; I see people listening.
In other words – no, it’s been a complete failure.
TBS: Have you ever been confronted physically or verbally?
UTP: Of course, but I always win the exchange because sinners cannot speak amongst pious men.
Or because what you’re saying is more cliché-filled than a Butch Jones press conference after a fourth quarter meltdown.
TBS: If you could say just one thing to a religious skeptic to try to help them convert, what would it be?
UTP: That if you don’t accept Jesus Christ into your life you will descend into a lake of fire for eternity.
Our beloved street prophet did not feel compelled to answer our follow-up question to this, however, as it was “are there any nice marinas on this so-called lake of fire – we’re looking for a nice real estate investment?” We’ll take that as a no.
TBS: Why do you think it’s important to come preach on a college campus as opposed to an AA meeting or any sort of gathering in East Knoxville?
UTP: College students fornicate and drink more often than anyone. They’re the most sinful in this city; they need the most guidance.
Saying that a bunch of young adults who like to guzzle beer are the most sinful people when you live in the meth capitol of the world is interesting as well. This guy’s wearing beer goggles when it comes to analyzing life, all the time.
TBS: What sets you apart from the other street preachers here?
UTP: I’m the most informative and I actually quote scripture instead of preaching hate.
TBS: What about all that “lake of fire” stuff?
UTP: It’s not hate if it’s true.
He said, spoken like a verbally abusive boyfriend after a tirade. See, it’s just tough love.
TBS: What advice would you give a UT student who is really struggling with life right now?
UTP: Give your life to the great I Am and things will be beautiful.
TBS: What do you define as beautiful? Like, was Miley Cyrus prettier before or after the short-hair/always-naked on MTV life? We need some context, here.
UTP: Don’t taint a pious discussion with pure sin.
It’s okay to think she’s hotter with the short hair; no need to be ashamed, friend.
It was after this that our bearded friend was finally at the end of his rope and our heretical interview and he was eager to get back on his microphone with his sidekick so he could preach to the apathetic masses as they trudged their way to class. And really, who’s afraid of a lake of fire when you’re on your way to the Hill for a chemistry lab anyway?