What can we say about Market that already hasn’t been said? The food is bad, the lines are long, and the plates are often grimy. Sure, some of the workers are pretty cool (shouts to Ophelia), but does that really make up for all the bad? In an attempt to improve your Market dining experience, The Black Sheep sent some of its writers to find a way to game the system and turn trash into some of the fast food we all treasure. Here are our Market Hacks:
Chipot-lazy (aka Chipotle Burrito)
Recipe: To make this little puppy, you first need to hit up the stir fry station and have them fry up some onions, peppers, and beans (from the salad bar). Have them throw in some chicken and brown rice and while you wait for them to cook it, go and grab a tortilla. Toss the stir fry onto the tortilla, add some hot sauce, fold it up, and you’re ready to go.
Review: Remember that time your mom tried to make a really complex meal and it didn’t come out well, but you acted like it tasted good so she didn’t feel like she wasted a bunch of time? This is probably what your mom felt like when she was eating that meal. Dry, under-seasoned, and lacking any resemblance to the real thing. It could probably be improved with more sauce, but we’ll leave that up to you. 4/10 would not try again.
Big Mark (aka Big Mac)
Recipe: This one is pretty easy. Grab two cheeseburgers, stack them together. Add lettuce, pickles, onions, and Thousand Island dressing. Throw some Market fries (which taste almost exactly like fries from McDonald’s) on the side and BAM you’re done. Don’t worry about appearances, we guarantee whatever you make will look better than anything you’ve ever been served at Mickey D’s.
Review: Pretty good. The burgers at Market are a little bland, but doubling up on the patties gives you plenty of meat taste. The pickles and onions add a little crunch and surprisingly the Thousand Island dressing brings it all together. Fun fact while you eat, the Big Mac was actually invented in Pittsburgh.
The Ruthlessburger (aka Primanti Brother’s Sandwich)
Recipe: You’re going to get some weird looks while you craft this sandwich, but start by going to the sandwich station and asking for some white bread and a slice of provolone. Then grab some of the cabbage mixture from the stir fry station and add some vinegar and salt and pepper to it to make Primanti’s famous slaw. Swipe a plain burger and some fries from the grill and layer the sandwich in this order: bread, burger, cheese, fries, and slaw. Top with tomato slices and yinz is finished.
Review: Very weird. We’d like to compare this to cheating on your girlfriend with her slightly less attractive twin sister. The parts are all there, they look almost the same, but it tastes very different. Maybe we needed to let the slaw soak for a while or double up on the patties. Regardless, we feel somewhat blasphemous for trying to recreate the miracle that the Primanti Brothers so graciously blessed us with.
If you learn anything from these hacks today, it should be this: you can’t polish a turd. Market will always be terrible and there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it. You just need to close your eyes and pray the shits don’t hit you until you’re back in your dorm. If you’d like us to try and review some of your Market Hacks, tweet us @BlackSheep_Pitt and we’ll write a second article.