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The Black Sheep Investigates: Pat Walker Health Center

It’s true that college students get sick on occasion, and since we don’t have our mommies to rub our backs while we’re throwing up or to put a cold rag on our heads when we have a fever, we have to resort to using the Pat Walker Health Center to seek treatment. Sometimes we’re not sure what’s wrong with us and researching on WebMD might lead us to believe that we’ve somehow contracted the Ebola virus. After going through all the stages of grief and eventually accepting that death is imminent, we decide that maybe it’s best to consult a professional and not just the World Wide Web. Once we’ve come to the logical realization of getting licensed help, we make an appointment at Pat Walker. But is that really the best idea? The Black Sheep conducted some research about the goings-on at Pat Walker.


Do they actually have a degree? According to an anonymous source, one student had an appointment at Pat Walker to find out what they needed to do to get healthier after a weekend of illness. While getting checked out, the nurse checked their temperature and blood pressure and asked what symptoms they had – just like a trained nurse should. After explaining their illness, the nurse left the room and the patient overheard their nurse tell someone else the symptoms and ask, “What should I tell them they have?” The other person answered, “Let me look on WebMD.” Do they not think that the Internet generation has already done that?


Need to see a doctor today? Sorry people, but the next available appointment is in two months. How exactly does Pat Walker make their appointments? And why should someone have to wait weeks to get checked out if they feel like they’re dying today. If you’re throwing up and have a fever and need to see a doctor, it’s not going to happen at Pat Walker until you’ve graduated and officially have more credentials than those nurses.


How far will they actually go to sick an IV in you? Not every sickness causes dehydration, but Pat Walker doesn’t care! Oh, you haven’t had water in 20 minutes? You’re dehydrated, so let us put an IV of water in you for two hours. Oh no, now you’re over hydrated. Let us stick this IV in you to take out some of the water we just put in. It’s an endless cycle ladies and gentlemen.


They’ll diagnose you with Dunnowut Disease. Yeah, we “dunno wut” it is either. And we can guarantee they’re just telling you something so you won’t think you’ve wasted your time and money, when in fact you have just done both of those things.   


You heard it here first, folks. If you go into Pat Walker Health Center to be treated for an illness or just to get checked out to make sure everything’s running the way it’s supposed to, be aware of the possible “diseases” you might have and don’t let them stick anything slightly questionable in you. The Black Sheep suggests just calling your mom to see what’s wrong with you. She probably has more credentials than the nurses at Pat Walker.

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