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The Black Sheep Investigates: What Really Happened to Those Students from the First Week of Class?

You probably have noticed by now that your classroom houses an alarmingly low number of students. What happened to all those sweaty, disgusting classmates of yours from the first week of classes? Our crack team of sleuths at The Black Sheep (the same folks who solved last year’s blow dart debacle) investigated the possibilities of where they all went, because face it, no one in their right mind would think of dropping Renaissance Poetry 101, right guys? …Right?


Kam’s: Like any freshman, we couldn’t resist the lure of Kam’s, with its cheap beer and charmingly trashy ambiance. The floor is perpetually sticky (most likely with broken dreams and irrevocable life mistakes) and blaring music drowns out any chance at a conversation. But if you’re at Kam’s, conversation is the last thing on your mind. It’s more about chugging, groping, and letting others know how drunk you are after every Blue Guy slammed.  


Johnny Bonder, a freshman in general studies, eagerly answered our questions once we discovered him. “Yeah, dude, I’ve totally seen my classmates here,” he said. “In fact, I haven’t left since the start  of syllabus week! By the way, I don’t know if you guys knew, but I’M DRUNK AS HELL! WOOO!”  


MTD Buses: Let’s face it, buses are hard. Figuring out how to get from point A to point B is a difficult task – one that many students at UIUC aren’t ready to take on. Plus, when “south” and “north” buses come into the picture, it confuses the shit out of everyone even more. Word on the street is that there are a couple of students who have been stuck riding the buses since syllabus week, frantically plugging in their destination on Google Maps trying to find out how to get home, attempting to figure out how to open the back doors of the bus, misjudging the distance of when to pull the stop cord, and asking the driver to wake them up when they take a little nap. Hopefully, they’ll make it off by midterms, but we’re not holding our breath. 


The Corn: Sometimes it seems like there are more ears of corn than people in this urban-in-the-middle-of-bufu-nowhere town. According to Mary Jo Beth, a corn farmer here in Champaign, it’s likely that some poor, misguided freshmen souls ended up falling victim to the surrounding fields of corn while heading back home to visit their parents after one whole week of class. “Seen it wit’ ma’ own eyes,” Mary Jo said, spitting a wad of tobacco onto the ground. “The corn is known to just swallow things up whole! Happened to ma’ dern tractor, ma’ dern dog, and ma’ dern husband, God bless ‘im. One second they’re right in front of you and the next you just see the corn overcome them, lost forev’r. Yep, most likely the same thing happened to them kids!”  


So, what does this teach us? Watching all eight installments of the Children of the Corn series wasn’t such a waste of time after all. Think otherwise? Who’s the writing staff not being murdered for a harvesting ritual right now? Yeah, that’s what we thought. 


Masses of International Students: We’ve all experienced it firsthand. Speed walking like a pro to your 9 a.m. Psych 100 class and suddenly, out of nowhere, a pack of slow moving international students step out in front of you. Going around campus, The Black Sheep saw a number of students unwillingly become part of the pack. Looks of desperation and annoyance quickly overtook their features as they struggled to escape, only to be blocked and folded in even more tightly to the herd. Eventually, struggling is no longer an option as victims just have to accept it and learn to let the pack lead them wherever they may go.  


Despite our valiant efforts, we encourage our readers to remember that these are mere theories on the whereabouts of the students. In reality, we may never uncover the truth behind the disappearances. With that being said, we sure as hell won’t be finding them in RHET 105 anymore.

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