Good’ ay mates, The Black Sheep Expedition Team is out here in sunny Pittsburgh and at it again. We’ve taken on the wildest of places and the most dangerous of species. We’ve excavated South Oakland homes and found stratigraphic layers of suet from the industrial era in Pittsburgh, and we’ve scaled the Cathedral of Learning to get action shots of the falcons. Recently, we took on something new and dangerous. We spent an entire night, all 12 hours, in the Hillman Library.
Terrible stories concerning the creatures of Hillman, between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7 a.m., have come from weary security guards. This time has been referred to as an “All Nighter,” and reports of cackling and territory battles for precious resources among cave dwellers (Sororitus Girlus) in the private rooms have been made.
Further, we observed a fascinating species for its lack of sleep, love of getting intoxicated, and being quixotic about their future — Studintus Studius. We at The Black Sheep Expedition Team split up to take each floor of the library, in the hope to get qualitative information on the habits of the strange creatures. We hoped to uncover their secrets. Here are our findings.
We entered, prepared for the most terrifying species on this not-so-green Earth. However, we were greeted with a calm atmosphere of relaxation. At approximately 1 a.m., the famous sleep songs of the Studintus Studius began howling through Cup and Chaucer. The song was so eerily similar to that of human snoring, we wondered what must separate us from them.
Here we saw the Sororitus Girlus hunting in her natural pack. The preferred prey was the rare Hillman library table with outlets, a prize for any hunter. The Sororitus Girlus used advanced communications and tribe mentality to secure their prey. When their prey was secured, they gazed around the room served two undeniable purposes. To secure the attention of all the innocent Fratus Membrosos (a male dominated subgroup) and to avoid the jobs they had been assigned called “home work.” Their ability to waste time is unmatched. What a delight to catch them in the wild.
Adjacent to the tribe was something entirely different. A Studintus Studius male began what can only be described as an intimidation dance of pacing back and forth and heavy sighing toward the printer machine. We supposed the printer eventually felt the aggression and produced the fruits of victory, sheets of thinly sliced trees, to the celebrating Studintus Studius male. Huzzah!
Ah the Cave Dwellers were a sight to be seen. In the effort to appear as unthreatening as possible, we quickly walked past the windows, in order to not frighten the dwellers into believing we were coming to stake our claim at reserved territory from 1 to 2 a.m. Upon observation, we encountered their fabulous cave paintings. Several of those were the drawings of their native culture, a subgroup within their individualistic culture. They wrote in their native language, Swansonglish: The language of the Engineerius Mechanicus (a third subgroup).
Our presence was immediately felt and intuition told us that this level had strict non-verbal communication. We infer that when the sun goes down, so does the tolerance of the species. We noticed a territory battle for the electrical oasis in the wall, aluminum water containers were now being used bludgeoning weapons. We were run off the floor eventually, perhaps because we let off scents of life and shreds of happiness.
These feral beasts feeding on nothing but coffee, Red Bulls, and cheese sticks all night they compress their aggression only to displace it unto any intruder. If you ever happen upon them, back away slowly.
The 4th Floor:
The eerie feeling of someone watching you, a constant chill on the back of the neck, as if the AC is turned to 50 degrees Celsius, no noise except the sounds of a Sororitus Girlus cackle echoing through the bookshelves. Again, we heard the sleep songs, the same as the sound from the Ground Floor. We are ashamed to say we were unable to overcome how uncomfortable it was to get anything done. We shall never journey there again.
The Black Sheep Expedition Team and myself made it out alive. Our spines will tingle every time we hear something similar to the cackle for the rest of our lives. More importantly, this “All Nighter” edition has given us an insight into the world of the Studintus Studius, during a time we had recently thought to be reserved only for participating in the sacred rituals of drinking the mind-altering concoction found at intergroup marketplaces called Liquor Stores. We hope to continue this ethnography to comparing the two locations of where the Studintus Studius spends most of its time: the Hillman Library or in underground pits with an abundance of alcoholic substances and tribal music. They are truly an astonishing species.