Its tough to get up early on a Saturday, but for The Grove you chug your coffee and strap an I.V. to recover from the Gimli-sized bucket of alcohol you consumed the night before. This past weekend we got to witness the living hype reel that is Chad “Swag” Kelly, and he did not disappoint.
Although the skull draggery was against the underwhelming UT Skyhawks, you can’t dismiss the possibilities in the following games so we’re predicting the outcomes of the Rebel’s schedule with The Swagfather at the helm.
The Rebels play Fresno State next week, September 12th, and presuming that the team doesn’t trip going through the Walk of Champions they should expect to beat the Bulldogs handedly.
The cult of Ole Miss will have a tough trip to Alabama September 19th following the Fresno game. There has been much watercooler chatter over this game, but our analysts poured over the data and they believe given 10 Hail Marys and a solid run game we can pull out the win.
Coming off another pimp slap of a win against Alabama will be draining for the team, but luckily we’ll have perennial East Division basement dweller Vanderbilt at home on September 26th and the Rebs can play their 3rd string, aka “here for the scholarship.”
Come October 3rd the team will then be back on the road to Florida. This game just so happens to coincide with Greek Recruitment, so Gainesville won’t have as much Red in the stands as would otherwise. Florida man will assuredly cause some giant scene involving alligators and KY Jelly, so Ole Miss will have another quality win. We’ll make Tebow cry again as he screams skyward wondering how his God could allow this rectal reaming of a game.
The Rebels will be going back and forth between the Grove and Memphis to play New Mexico State October 10th and the Memphis Tigers October 17th and at the end of those two games The Landsharks will be swimming pretty at 7-0.
October 24th the dreaded conference schedule gets kicked off with the top tier talent of the West. Texas A&M shined against Arizona State with defensive guru John Chavis seemingly fixing their woes on that side of the ball, but we’re still salty over those Manziel years and the Aggies won’t make it out of The Vaught alive.
Then perhaps the toughest game of the year will be October 31st at Auburn, Coach Freeze and Company will right the wrongs done to them last year. Kelly will have made a true Heisman campaign at this point, but the path is far from over.
A two-game home stand against Arkansas November 7th and, rivals since the dawn of age, LSU November 21st will be tough, but the K-Gun offense will skewer the LSU secondary and the Razorbacks will be smoked pork, served up on a bun of wow we kicked your ass, soon enough. Finishing the regular season at the town-sized shit pile Starkville November 28th, not even the clanga-clanga of their bells will deafen Swag Kelly’s based victory on the field.
So that’s how the season will go, 12-0. Conference and National Championships will ensue and Chad will most definitely win the Heisman. Some people think we’re being overly optimistic, but we had Stephen Hawking and Neil Degrasse Tyson looking into it. This is just hard, factual science.