During the first week of classes at UW-Madison, The Black Sheep painstakingly interviewed freshmen and their parents in an attempt to paint an accurate picture of what really goes on during move-in day. Both in the unjustly controlling homes from which the 18-year-olds have finally escaped (no more time wasted on the clearly pointless task of cleaning their rooms!) and in the ten square feet of personal space that they now call home.
Now, if they don’t clean up their shit, it’s liable to end up covered in any number of bodily fluids… or foods, or drinks. The possibilities are endless, really. But at least they don’t have to deal with the awful authoritative regime that is their parents. Clean up your own mess that you made weeks ago or you’re grounded? Where does the injustice from the two people who are the sole reason you even exist end?!
But, we digress. Now, we present you with the highlights of our arduous fieldwork talking to freshmen and their families:
Jimmy: “Wait, so not only does laundry cost money now, but I also have to do it myself? When am I supposed to do my homework? Can I get a desperate girl on my floor to do this?”
Jimmy’s mom: “Now that I don’t have to worry about doing Jimmy’s laundry, I have time to read Anna Karenina! I was also getting pretty sick of finding unused condoms in his jeans pockets.”
Carol: “I want to apply to the business school, but apparently all that time I gave up driving my little sister to soccer practice during my senior year of high school doesn’t count as community service.”
Carol’s dad: “Yeah, well, all that money I’m paying for Carol to be in her sorority doesn’t count as charity either. Don’t tell her I said that.”
Leah: “If my dad knew how many Mike’s Hard Lemonades I drank this weekend, he would kill me!”
Leah’s dad: “If Leah knew how much scotch her mother and I drank the night after she moved out… I’m honestly not sure what would happen.”
Lenny: “I got so drunk yesterday I ended up streaking down State Street! Man, I love college!”
Lenny’s parents: “It’s great to be able to walk around the house naked pretty much all the time now. Also, we totally had sex in Lenny’s shower and regret nothing.”
Dan: “Iused to be a big shot in highschool, but now nobody notices me—not even when I wear my super cool State Cross Country shirt.”
Dan’s cat: “I’m getting way too much attention. I used to be able to puke up a good hairball wherever I damn well pleased without even being noticed. I can’t get away with anything anymore.”
Freshmen tend to deal similarly with the emotional trauma of their first weeks away at college—most will drink, few will have nearly as much sex as they will claim to their friends, and many will cry about how much they’re going to miss their dogs. Meanwhile, their parents will clink wine glasses back at home in a toast to their newfound freedom. Even if there’s still a kid at home, chances are those kids will find themselves visiting grandma’s house while their parents use up years’ worth of saved-up vacation time.