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Campus Life

The Great Thaw

It’s a rare time here on the Illinois State campus. It’s time for the animals to return from their hibernations to frolic amongst the trees and flowers. With the turn of March a new, more interesting, species has emerged: the student.


We noticed the student first migrating back onto campus around the middle of January. Even though students were back from their winter break, not many would venture outside. If they did it was only to obtain food or to mate with one another. Classrooms with capacities of 100+ held classes for groups of only 8 or 9 students willing to brave the cold.


Fact is, if a student even hears the word “snow,” it reverts back to hibernation by rolling a cigarette of a strange, green herb and consuming its body weight in pizza and chips. It passes out until it gains the will to leave its house—usually about two months later.


While some may have waited out the winter with a mate, others were alone, waiting for spring to come and end their mating drought. In the spring the females return to the bars and pubs, and the males soon follow. The drinks they consume there will warm their cold bodies, but have the added effect of altering their judgment. The males, too, drink the concoctions until both genders are confused, warm, and aroused. They pair off randomly, not truly knowing what the other looks like, and go home to mate. Others will be left drunk, alone, and puking. This leaves them helpless against potential predators like “the tab” and “hideous townies.”


Students may fall victim to many other predators as well. One is so skilled in camouflage that the students often mistake them for some kind of protectors. These cunning predators, called “campus police,” will sneak into large gatherings of students and prey on the drunkest and most belligerent students. After the police attach thin, paper tickets to the students (to mark their territory), the students feel compelled to give the campus police money.


After a long winter of “ticketing” cars, the police are starving and ready for the student hunt. With the warm weather drawing the students out in packs, the police have an opportunity to prey on students. They are known to attack in packs, and can feast on as many as 20 students in one night.


Another major predator is the professor. The professor may bog the students down with time-consuming busywork called “homework.” They do this knowing full well that after a long winter the students would rather be gathering to drink and mate. Students usually neglect this homework, fall behind, and are then forced to take the same class over again. Professors know students are a weak breed and feed on their sorrow and student loans.


Springtime is crucial for the students. They must avoid their predators so that they may bask in the fertile fields of ISU’s campus. Some will perish; expelled due to too many failed courses, excessive drinking tickets, or for flashing their professor in a pathetic attempt to mate. Yet others will live on through future springs, becoming more evolved and prepared for the seasons to come.

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