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The Pains of Having a Roommate with a Girlfriend

Freshman year is filled with wondrous adventures and magnificent firsts: living without your parents, enjoying the warmth and clear skies of Pittsburgh, and trying to dance in a cramped and sweaty basement in South Oakland. However, above all else, freshman year brings the first time you live with a complete stranger. Oh the excitement you have! More friends! The only thing that could bring down your ill-placed happiness is when you hear, “I have a girlfriend.” Here are four soul-crushing moments anyone living with a couple has experienced.

 

Pet Names: You never know when your ears will bleed or when your stomach will try to escape out of your ass by pushing that Chipotle burrito back up. Sometimes it’s in the middle of the day, on special occasions, it’s when you wake up on a beautiful Sunday morning, stretch your weary bones from the previous night spent dancing and stepping in dog shit outside of Sorrento’s. You command your body to roll over, searching for a liquid to end your severe dehydration. Your eyes open, it’s 10 a.m., a phone rings, before you realize what is happening, terror strikes. “Good Morning my beautiful Princess.” Yep, the spins are back.

 

Skype: Before Her, Skype was the magical way your parents tried to infiltrate every moment of your life. Now, the sound of a video call means one thing: flee before the picture focuses or suffer. You wonder how they coordinate each call flawlessly, and how either of them can afford to talk on Skype for 4 hours when they have class and have to do human things, like eat. You’re just happy Club Hillman is there to warm your heart, sooth your anxiety, and dry your tears.

 

Random Visits: It’s Friday, you just killed that Anthropology Recitation quiz. Your essay is done, and the homeless woman on Forbes didn’t ask for a $50 blowjob this morning. Life is great and it’s about to get better. Your crew is meeting in Towers’ Lobby before heading to the biggest party house of all time, Neville. You’re planning your look for the night. Yep, definitely going all black with that fresh Chicago Bulls snapback, Scotty Pippin still plays for them right? You’re psyched to knock out a nap before your shower. The Panther Card goes in, the digits dialed, the door opens, your roommate looks at you and says, “LOOK WHO’S HERE!?!?” Shit.

 

Losing Your Room: It’s Tuesday night and the battle for plug supremacy in Market Central is fierce. You’ve been staring at the same slides of astronomy notes all night. Exhaustion and acceptance of your disappointing grade are sinking in faster. It’s time to call a spade a spade: you spent too much time watching How I Met Your Mother and not enough time going to class. At least your bed loves you, or so you think. VVVVVVVVFFF, your phone rumbles. Your roommate sent you a picture of an animated sock saying, “getting busy.” Welp, sleeping in a booth is kind of like your bed, just a lot more horrible.

 

Living with this guy has made you a resourceful sleeper and a proponent of noise-canceling headphones. You never know what you’re going to hear, see, or deal with, and pessimism takes over with thinking every girl you meet will turn into her, and dating would turn into them. Oh god, the humanity! Next year, and maybe forever, you’re definitely living alone. 

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