1. You see a puppy on the street. You…
a) Steal it.
b) Think about stealing it, but your cowardice stops you.
c) Would steal it, if you weren’t its owner already. Lucky you!
2. Harker comes up to you on the street and says…
a) “You are my favorite student. I’m glad we were able to develop this friendship.”
b) “I’ve heard you know where to get weed. Please sell me some so I can expel you.”
c) “Watch where you’re going! Do you always just run into people?”
3. “Get Busy” by Sean Paul comes on the radio. You…
a) Drive off a cliff, but coincidentally.
b) Drive off a cliff, but on purpose.
c) Are listening to a radio in your home; you drive off anything.
4. Does Article II, section 3 of the Constitution grant the president exclusive recognition power?
a) Yes; the president’s powers in foreign affairs are vast and plenary.
b) No; the ability to receive ambassadors is to be narrowly construed.
c) This is a political question that the courts are unable to answer.
5. A professor comes up and sticks a hat over your face and says “Guess who?” You…
a) Are freaked out. That is some weird shit.
b) Play along, but that was wrong.
c) Can’t believe what just happened, holy fuck.
6. Star Wars or Star Trek?
a) Star Wars
b) Star Trek
c) Farscape, and I hate you.
7. How do you think you’re doing so far?
a) I’m confident, but realistic.
b) I think I’m failing, but I’ve made peace with it.
c) Thank you Matt for this quiz, I feel complete.
8. Anything else you’ve got to say?
a) I’m excited for my results!
b) Thinking about my results has got me excited!
c) It may be time to reevaluate our position on Syria.
1) A-1 B-2 C-3
2) A-2 B-3 C-1
3) A-1 B-3 C-2
4) A-3 B-2 C-1
5) A-2 B-3 C-1
6) A-3 B-1 C-2
7) A-1 B-3 C-2
8) A-2 B-1 C-3
8-13: Fall Into a Fifth Dimensional Black Hole: You can’t make finals if you fall into the inescapable pull of a black hole. Suddenly you find yourself in a three-dimensional representation of fifth-dimensional space, in which all things happen at once. You have always been in all times, with love itself the metaphysical thread that binds you to what you were, will be, and are. Or maybe that’s gravity. It is not clear. Unfortunately, this all means that you could have done your final if you wanted to, since, you know, you exist in all times; hopefully you don’t have any physics or philosophy classes, because the professors will call you out on it.
14-19: Locked Within Several Layers of Dreams: Uh-oh, you thought you were studying for finals, but then you noticed that your lucky pen felt different than usual. Come to think of it, things have been kind of weird since you fell asleep on that airplane. Is it possible you are actually trapped within several layers of dream states, subject to the whims of unknown assailants? Maybe, but you can’t tell for sure. All you do know is that your dad is dead and he would want you to sell your controlling shares to the minority stakeholder of your multinational conglomerate, and that’s your idea!
20-24: Severe Short Term Memory Loss: It’s hard to study for finals, or even remember you have them, since every time you go to sleep you forget everything that happened before. At least that’s what you have tattooed on your chest. But where did all this blood come from? Were you finally able to avenge your wife’s death? Truly this is the tragedy – you have worked your whole life for a goal but you’ll never remember when you’ve completed it. And also if you fail this orgo final they’ll take away your scholarship. OR HAVE THEY ALREADY DONE SO????