It’s still cold outside, but after taking a page from The Black Sheep and sinning to your heart’s content, you should be kept nice and toasty by the hellfire that is sure to consume you (and your soul).
Sex, sex, sex! It’s everywhere in college, so you might as well indulge. We even have a traveling condom/lube stand. S/O to the G-Spot. The universe couldn’t send you any more of a sign! So go ahead. Go get that hot TA that you spend all class long undressing with your eyes.
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Get that paper any way you can. Be that guy that always forgets his wallet or that girl that always seems to owe her roommates money. Trust us, if there’s one sure-fire way to guarantee your future will be prosperous, it’s to take money from everyone around you with no intention of ever paying them back. Yeah you’ll lose people around you, but hey, you’ll be rich and isn’t that more important?
Gorge yourself on D.P. Dough. There’s literally nothing better than a calzone oozing with cheese and meat, especially after a long night of drinking more than you should have. There’s even a Ron Swan-zone, complete with extra meat, eggs, and cheese for the truly gluttonous.
When you picked out your classes, you purposely chose to start at 2 p.m. every day and chose only classes held in Fell Hall. Why? Because who wants to get up early and have to go from building to building, that’s why. But let’s face it, you’re still late to class at least once a week because even if your classes don’t start until the afternoon, you’re still a lazy fucker.
Admit it, every time you hear a classmate bragging about how they have their life together or how they got that internship you want to throw them off a cliff. Obviously, they don’t deserve it as much as you do. Maybe they’ve got the better grades, credentials, and overall work ethic, but hey, you’ve got more friends AND a better Star Wars memorabilia collection.
Classes aren’t cancelled even though the quad is a sheet of ice? ReggieNet is down again?? There are loud religious people calling people ‘whores’ and ‘fornicators’ on the quad??? Here at ISU there are plenty of things to be pissed about. If you can’t choose one, pick them all and be sure to write angry letters about how things need to change around here and stick them all over campus. We’re sure your voice will be heard.
One poly-sci class at ISU and suddenly you start plastering your political opinions all over Facebook, Twitter, and anywhere else you think will make you look smart. Besides academics, we can’t help but to brag about how amazing our football, basketball, and literally every other athletic team we have, is. We’re a great school and after four years, you make sure to let everyone know it. You brag about your Redbird pride to the point that anyone who doesn’t go to ISU can’t stand to be around you. Oh well, that’s the price you pay when you’re as great as we are. Roll Birds!!
So there they are, The Seven Deadly Sins of ISU in all their glory. Once you’ve completed this list you’ve surely secured your spot in hell, your pain and suffering for the rest of eternity, and, of course, total damnation. But at least your time at ISU was well-spent. Keep on sinning! We’ll see you in hell, Redbirds!