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The Top 10 Buttholes You’ll Meet at Milner

 

With finals rapidly approaching, The Black Sheep knows you’ll be clocking some serious hours at Milner. With that in mind, we’ve given you a guide so you can spot the 10 assholes you’ll inevitably meet while you’re there.

 

10.) The Feaster:

With the addition of Einstein’s on the main level of Milner and all of the food options just across the library in the Bone, you’re bound to see at least one feaster during your study session. This person doesn’t care about how hungry you are and will never be willing to share, no matter how hard you stare at their food. They’re usually sitting across from you, chowing down on at least three different entrees from McAlister’s and two sides from Burger King with a large, fancy coffee from Einstein’s to wash it all down. You’ll keep getting drool on your laptop, won’t be able to focus, and eventually have to switch tables.

 

9.) The Rockstar:

Everyone knows this person; they aren’t actually studying, they’re performing. Whatever they’re listening to, rest assured, you’ll be able to jam out right along with them. They will be lip syncing and, in the more extreme assholes, they will be singing as loudly as humanly possible. And no, they won’t be good. You can tap them on the shoulder and ask them to shut up, but after 10 minutes they’ll just return to being annoying. 

 

8.) The FaceTimer:

This person looks and acts completely normal, that is, until their phone rings. They sit quietly and study until they get a FaceTime call. Whether it be from their mom, significant other, or their goddamn mailman, they don’t give one single fuck, annoying everyone in the library with their loud, and for some reason, often personal conversation. You start out as strangers, but once they’re done, you know everything about them from their rash to their sex life. 

 

7.) The Public Procrastinator:

These people come to Milner solely to make themselves feel better about their surely-sinking grades. Although they’re there, in Milner, they almost never even touch their backpack, other than to look for their headphones. They also have a minimum of 12 tabs open on their laptop, mostly social media sites, and need to check their phone at least 5 times per minute. Sure, they’re not being loud, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t being distracting as hell.

 

6.) The Sleeper:

Chances are, if you’re stuck at Milner, you’re already cranky and tired. The last thing you need is to look over and see someone sprawled out on the couch catching z’s. It only reminds you of how tired you are.

 

5.) The Tweeker:

Possibly the easiest asshole to spot, this person will be at a table alone, surrounded by empty cans of Monster and cups of coffee. Although it may seem like they’re on hard drugs, it’s only a caffeine-induced high. They’re usually twitching and typing so quickly that you’re too nervous to do any of the work you were actually supposed to do.

 

4.) The Deviant:

What? People don’t come to the library to watch porn? You think everything’s fine and dandy, you’re getting shit done and then you look over and, bam, Pornhub. Some jackass is trying to get off while you’re just trying to get an education. Now you’re horny and have a paper to write. Thanks a lot, pal.

 

3.) The Tapper:

Tap, tap, tap, tap. SHUT UP!! We’ve all encountered the person that thinks they’re a professional drummer. They’re distracting, almost never on beat, and they need to be stopped. Seriously, no one likes that shit.

 

2.) The Loud-Whisperer:

This asshole thinks they’re being quiet and courteous by “whispering,” but, in reality, they might as well just be screaming. They’re sitting next to a friend who also has no idea how to whisper like a normal human.

 

1.) The Mental Breakdown:

Most commonly seen during finals week, this person can’t get their shit together. All the studying and projects that need to be done are daunting, sure, but do you really need to to have your breakdown while everyone else is trying to study? Go be sad somewhere else.

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