Life as a freshman guy isn’t easy. You’re still growing into your big boy pants, you’re not as cool as the older guys, and most of the girls your age are boning their RAs. How can a guy compete with age, experience, and a sick goatee? This is the story of a young couple during their freshman year at ISU and how they found love.
Matthew was nervous when he finally asked out Christine, but she said yes. After trying out his new nom de guerre, “Matt,” he had finally scored a date with the cutest girl on Jefferson four. What was his plan? The classic date in Watterson.
He had the evening planned down to a tee. First he would pick her up in the breezeway between Jefferson and Smith and schmooze her with conversation before returning to his room for a cuddle and to watch their favorite show, Parks and Recreation.
Matthew was waiting for Christine in the breezeway, excited for the small talk he had planned ahead of time (he had at least three things to say about the weather). When he saw her all gussied up in her black leggings and UGG boots, he couldn’t even remember what the weatherman had said about the pressure systems. Instead, he skipped the small talk and quickly escorted her to his room.
They laughed at the antics of Leslie Knope and felt much more at ease. They laid down on his twin bed and began to get cozy. Then, Matthew’s roommate, Craig Johnson, returned. Craig was supposed to be out all day with his girlfriend, Fay Kname, who was a model, went to a different school, and who no one had ever met before but was totally real.
He grunted towards Matthew and Christine and laid down on the bed opposite them. Matthew assumed Craig would pull out his computer and start playing Pajama Sam like he does every night, but instead he just stared at them. At first Matthew ignored it, maybe he’s just tired, he thought. But the staring continued and soon Matthew could tell Christine was uncomfortable. He could see her eyes darting towards the door as if planning her escape, should Craig try anything weird and creepy.
Matthew had to act now or lose the girl of his most recent dreams. “Hey Christine, are you hungr—“
“Yes! Let’s go!” Christine interrupted, clearly trying not to shout.
Matthew was out of Flex, but he had a surplus of ramen he’d yet to break into. The two made their way to the microwave and he tried to read the directions while making the small talk he had prepped for earlier. The real talk was inspiring, they felt like they were learning everything about each other. Unfortunately, they forgot about the ramen they left burning in the microwave. While they were about to have their first romantic kiss, the microwave caught on fire, setting the alarms off.
They ran towards the stairs to get out of the building, laughing as the sprinklers rained down on them and the fire alarms blared. Christine stopped and pulled Matthew into her and kissed him passionately. “This is our song, now,” Matthew coyly improvised. She giggled. Matthew stared into her eyes before looking past her to see Craig waiting at the top of the stairs, staring at them making out, nodding slowly and licking his lips.
The two ignored him and held hands as they walked down the stairs and out of Watterson. Christine left to go find her friends, smiling at Matthew as she walked away. Matthew grinned to himself and he turned to see Craig. “Dude, that girl was so hitting on me,” Craig said, “what’s her deal?”
Matthew sighed and went back in his room to sleep. As he slept he could hear Craig masturbating furiously, mumbling, “Oh yeah, that girl that Matt was with!”