As Pitt students wake up groggy from boozing writing that essay all over campus — whether you’re in Litchfield Tower A or the heights of Sutherland East — one feeling is chillingly apparent. The Pitt student body may fail Calculus 2 very often, they may lose count of how many shots they had last night, they may budget all their dining dollars out for Chick-fil-A, but there is one number they never mistake: the iPhone’s digital weather thermometer reading. Why is this number known by heart and even sometimes by feeling to every student? Because frankly, it’s cold as balls in January. So what do Pitt students do better than thinking up ways to trash Penn State? They stay warmer than Jerry Sandusky in a renaissance painting. Here’s how:
It’s no secret that the best way to keep that warm tingly feeling going is to rip shots of vodka. In these situations, it is best to consult an old Russian proverb:
There cannot be not enough food, There can only be not enough vodka.
There can be no ridiculous jokes, There can only be not enough vodka.
There can be no ugly women, There can only be not enough vodka.
There cannot be too much vodka, There can only be not enough vodka.
Our friends from the east know how to deal with cold, and so does Pitt. If there are two truths let them be this: Don’t ever fight with the Russians in the winter, and sometimes the only way to warm the chill of Pittsburgh is at the bottom of a bottle.
They Start Liking Market Central
Whether you’ve spent at least one day of winter entirely inside the protection of the three tower complex or you’re a wandering senior trying to score a golden grilled cheese — a hot meal lures any chilled college pedestrian in, even if said meal moves through your system like an angry tourist on a Japanese bullet train. Yes, you’ll see the food you eat there in some form of excrement sooner than you expected, but it warms even the coldest of visitors up.
If you find your snuggle buddy on Tinder, Yik Yak, Asian Date, Anastasia Date, Black People Meet, Christian Mingle, eHarmony, FarmersOnly.com, or (heaven help you) you actually seduce someone in person, you can always know that a good cuddle keeps the cold away. Adding Netflix ensures it won’t be just a one time affair, and the word affair sometimes aptly describes these “cuddling sessions.” Though it may annoy your roommate and though it may result in a bad reputation, cuddling is the warmest sport out there. Just remember to wash your sheets you animals.
They Stand on Questionable Ground
The manhole cover, the sidewalk air vent, the industrial sized stairwell radiators in Cathy, sewage vents, a burning hot shower, the Chancellor’s Office, the 10A; all of these places seem obscure, but Pitt students know better. These are prime thermal hotspots that must be taken advantage of for survival. Sure, you could be basic and wrap yourself in scarves until you can only tell when to cross a street by hearing “Fifth walk sign is on to cross Fifth” but you know better.
Only by these drastic and essential methods can a Panther find warmth when the RealFeel, windspeed, FakeFeel, windchill, and degree levels are all below zero. What is balmy in Pittsburgh? Around 30-40°, that’s what. So the next time your roommate from Hawaii complains it’s cold, tell him the old Russian proverb, shower him in boiling water, and send him here. Unless it’s another polar vortex, then you are S.O.L. screwed.