This Week’s Question:
I want to go to the MSU game in Ann Arbor, but I don’t know anyone who lives there, or even what to do alone there. Do you have any advice?
I Plan On Getting Too Drunk To Drive Back Home At Any Time
Dear I Plan On Getting Too Drunk To Drive Home At Any Time,
First off, find out where your friends are staying. Then see if any of them will be playing DD. I’m assuming you’ll be traveling with more people, or at least meeting up with some — you’re going to look like a child rapist if you show up to one of the biggest games of the year and just roam around by yourself. While going to a big game/tailgate like this one alone has potential to be outrageous fun (depending on how many drugs you take), it’s more likely you’ll just get reported to campus police by moms who think you’re going to toss little Johnny’s pigskin around.
Once you’ve made it to A2 (with someone; anyone, really), immediately start getting shitcanned. Walk around the tailgates and pretend you know everyone there. If you feel too anxious or worried about someone figuring out that Martha isn’t really your great aunt, then you simply aren’t drunk enough yet. You want to get to a point where you actually believe Martha is your great aunt, and you start telling people fake stories about the time she took you on vacation to Mackinac Island, she ate too much fudge, and then shit herself while walking along the pier.
Take every single tailgate for what they anything they have. Drink all their booze; shove as many cans of beer up your pussy as possible. If a child can be squeezed out of that tiny little crawlspace, then you can find a way to make a pint of Jack Daniel’s slide up your snatch. Eat all of their food, and make sure to grab any hot dads’ numbers. If you’re slick enough, try managing to slip his dad dick in your mouth for a quick blowie during halftime.
At this point in the game, you’ll hopefully have managed to throw up queso and fight the wife of the dad you blew during halftime. You’ll be tired and ready to take a drunk slumber, so it’s your mission to go around and collect any and all stalks of corn you find from which you will build yourself a beautiful corn hut. This will be the location of the after party, because let’s face it, us Spartans will be winning.
You might find it a little ass-backwards to make a shelter out of all the maize, but after you leave the hut the following morning when you’re sober as a gopher, you’ll light the entre thing on fire. The fire will then spread across campus and you’ll watch the Big House burn into the ground. Your work is complete, and you’ll restore unity back to the world.
With the Wolverines terminated for good, you’ll have a great story to pass on to all the future generations of Spartans in your family. Arson really is the gift that keeps on giving. If you fail to follow through with the mission, you’ll end up having to sleep outside by a dumpster and risk getting pissed on by Wal-Mart Wolverines while you’re asleep. So, follow my advice. Who will? Spartans will.
Remember folks; a balanced diet is a dick in both hands.