Sweat drips down your neck as you half-heartedly swing the garden hose from one rose bush to the next. Mosquitos attack you like savage senior citizens at a Golden Corral buffet. Put down the hose, friend, because The Black Sheep has created a list of things it is definitely too hot to do.
Jimmy, I’ve asked you a thousand times: go prune the crocuses! Chill mom, it is a thousand degrees out, I’m tired, and I don’t even know what a crocus is, let alone how to “prune” one. Do I just chop it off and let it dry up in the sun like the fruit? CAUSE ITS DEFINITELY HOT ENOUGH FOR THAT.
Look, we get it pal: it’s hot out. But that doesn’t give you free reign of my air-conditioned house. Hello? Are you even listening to me you ungrateful insect? Eh, who am I kidding. Want a freezie pop?
Literally anything that has to do with fire is a no-go. Don’t even think about doing the grilling yourself unless you want your burgers seasoned with the sweat of hard labor. We recommend standing in front of your open fridge and eating whatever’s closest to your mouth.
Ugh, working out is hard. Like, really hard. Weird… there’s a Starbucks right next to my gym… Maybe caffeine will motivate me to exercise. “One Grande Java chip Frappuccino please, extra whip.”
Is it possible for a human body to literally fry? Cause lying out in the 100 degree heat sure shares a lot of similarities with the bottom of a frying pan. Whatever, pale is “in” now anyway.
Bottom line: we are totally encouraging you to sit around and do nothing this summer because it’s just too damn hot. Just don’t try that excuse on your boss, it probably won’t go well.