If you’re anything like us here at The Black Sheep, you barely made it through midterm season alive. The bad news is finals are on their way. And with ridiculous professors who scheduled midterms during the UNC game (but cancelled the next week’s class) to disgustingly unclear directions on Chem 1 quizzes, finals might do us all a little dirty. If you’re reading this you could use the help of our good old friend the All-Nighter.
The All-Nighter is described by Urban Dictionary as, “A study or work session that goes through the night; studying without sleep (usually a last-minute course of action).” We prefer to liken it to the educational version of a one night stand—it sounds like a good idea at about 1 a.m., but you really regret it the next morning.
But, like maggots in your pasta, all-nighters are usually inevitable in college, especially one like Pitt that has “academic standards” for its students. Yeah, oooookay. Since we are notorious procrastinators, we are practically Masters of the All-Nighter, and included this timeline (with helpful tips!) so that you too can cram all night.
6:00 p.m. – Take a nap, because you foolishly believe you don’t have much to do that night (and you’re still catching up on sleep from your last all-nighter, TBH.)
9:00 p.m. – Wake up dazed and confused, and then get extremely panicky when you realize you slept this late.
9:45 p.m. – You’ve finally woken up enough to have packed your bag for Club Hillman, after talking your friend into coming with you.
Computer? Check. Notes? Check. Any clue as to what you need to study? Missing.
9:55 p.m. – Realize you missed the cut-off for food, as 95% of places in Oakland close at 10.
10:00 p.m. – Check Snapchat while “studying,” and see that your friend from class has posted a photo of last week’s notes with the hashtag #UpAllNightToGetLucky… With the next one in their 2 minute story saying #OnThisMidtermTomorrow
10:02 p.m. – Panic.
10:05 p.m. – Friend from class has just texted you back to confirm that the midterm is indeed tomorrow. You check the syllabus in disbelief, but alas—you’ve got some major studying to do.
10:15 p.m. – Panic in line for coffee at Cup and Chaucer. Make sure you can drink whatever you’re getting quickly, because you need the caffeine to last all night. We suggest embracing your inner #Basic and getting the White Chocolate Mocha.
10:55 p.m. – Finally finish printing out a semester’s worth of slide shows and study guides. Make sure to spend extra time sorting and tabbing these to put off actually studying.
Can’t study unless everything is sorted and tabbed, right? (nervous laughter)
11:50 p.m. – You’ve made it through a few weeks of notes. Realize that you definitely still need more coffee, and sprint to Cup and Chaucer before they close at Midnight.
12:00 a.m. – You’re just started on the third week of notes when your friend texts you to say she’s leaving for the night. You consider crying, but realize you just don’t have time.
1:15 a.m. – All your friends who don’t have something due tomorrow leave. A tear rolls down your face, but you push on.
2:25 a.m. – You have hit your second wind! You feel like you can accomplish anything, but the combination of missing dinner and cold coffee has left you pretty hungry. You convince your remaining friends to go to McDonalds with you.
2:45 a.m. – Return to Hillman, and eat way too many fries. You’ll regret this later, but for now… You’re lovin’ it.
Ba-Da Ba-Ba BAAA! (sobs)
3:35 a.m. – If you’ve made it this far, congratulations. You’re going to start feeling really shitty right about now, but it’s okay. Just go to the Asian literature section on the second floor, and take thirty seconds to just dance it out. Seriously. If all else fails, there’s some really comfortable couches on that floor and it’s less popular than the ground. #PittS(naps)?
5:00 a.m. – You’re strangely cold, and consider giving up and going home, but you realize you still know nothing about this class. Who even teaches it? Hopefully it’s not one of your bad professors…
6:00 a.m. – You wonder why people are posting on Facebook, and then realize that it’s finally early enough that all your friends from high school that got a job are getting up for work. Ponder what your life you be like if you hadn’t gone to college.
Hillman at 6:02 a.m.
6:45 a.m. – Regret every decision leading up to this point.
7:00 a.m. – Curse under your breath at all the people getting to Hillman this early. Cry when you realize Cup and Chaucer doesn’t even open for another hour.
8:15 a.m. – You have just gotten coffee, and it tastes like the nectar of the gods. Become religious for a brief moment.
The Father, The Son, and The Holy Dark Roast
8:20 a.m. – Hallelujah is now inexplicably stuck in your head.
8:55 a.m. – You are on the most recent notes. Your highlighter has run out of ink. You hate everything and growl softly at the people silly enough to look your way.
9:30 a.m. – You’ve hit another wind and feel strangely cheerful. You want to dance on the table, but instead make a small breakthrough in the material.
10:30 a.m. – Decide to go home and shower before the exam, or at least wash your face.
12:00 p.m. – Walk into exam, and promptly forget everything you just spent all night memorizing.
12:45 p.m. – Turn in your exam, knowing the professor can just smell the all-nighter on you.
1:00 p.m. – Crash, and crash hard, thereby ruining your sleep schedule from now until about ever.
A week or so later – Get midterm back, and swear to start studying earlier next time. It’s okay though. D’s probably could still get degrees.