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Tips on Surviving a Haunted House Until Your Roommates Move In

 

The house seemed like a great deal when you signed the lease — four large almost-intact rooms, two and a half “working” bathrooms, and even a nice dark ominous basement as a cherry on top: a classic campus dreamhouse.

 

However, your perfect new place is not what it seems; it comes fully equipped with mischievous ghost fully intent on making you as miserable as they are. Now you’re stuck in an empty house with an angry apparition for the next few weeks and you’re the only available target. So here are some tips on dealing with the freeloading spirit till your housemates move in and become the next prey.

 

1.) Sleep with floodlights.

 

2.) Use a Ouija board to call the ghost and put it on hold.

 

3.) Play dead.

 

4.) Get a pet for the ghost to haunt instead.

 

5.) Go sleep at your parent’s.

 

6.) Put Ghostbusters posters everywhere to intimidate the ghost.

 

7.) Make a decoy for the ghost to scare.

 

8.) Scare the ghost before it scares you.

 

9.) Threaten to call the ghost cops.

 

10.) Actually call the ghost cops.

 

11.) Buy the ghost tickets to an all-expense paid cruise.

 

12.) Offer to sleep with the ghost in exchange for peace.

 

13.) Burn down the house, assume a new identity, move to Coralville, Iowa, start a new life, and marry Sheila who works at the gas station.

 

14.) Bribe the ghost.

 

15.) Challenge the ghost to a life or death duel.

 

16.) Call the ghost’s mother and tell on them.

 

17.) Introduce the ghost to Netflix.

 

18.) Ignore tip #15 [the ghost is already dead].

 

19.) Make fun of the ghost’s weird haircut and out of season clothes.

 

20.) Hold an intervention for the ghost and inform him that his behavior is unacceptable.

 

21.) Send the ghost on a wild-goose chase for the university’s next president

 

22.) Get the ghost plastered every night at Grotto

 

23.) Tell the ghost to get a job.

 

24.) Ask the ghost to start paying rent.

 

These tips, if followed correctly, are guaranteed to keep the specter out of your hair and buy you time until your friends show up to be the sacrificial lambs.

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