The following are excerpts from a journal found by a member of The Black Sheep staff. After a thorough investigation it was determined that it contained the personal police log of Officer Joseph Kovax of the University of Pittsburgh Police Department. Officer Kovax could not be reached for comment.
August 29, 2014: Beer can in alley this morning. Shoe tread on burst lining. Oakland is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of vomit. When the drains finally spume over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their jaywalking and underage drinking will foam up about their waists and all the frat boys and sorority girls will look up and shout “save us!”… and I’ll whisper “no.”
August 30, 2014: Game day. Patrolling the tailgates. All of a sudden I hear shots fired. Immediately call for backup. Thankfully, nine officers responded. Double checked my bear mace. Ready to roll. Squad cars come flying into the gravel lot. We looked so badass. Demanded everyone drop their cups and put their hands on their heads. Started looking for the shooter. Next thing I know I hear a loud noise. Maced the shit out of that kid. Claims he just sneezed, but I know better. Turns out shots were just bottles being thrown, but you can never be too careful. Maced another kid for the hell of it. I didn’t like the way he looked at me.
August 31, 2014: Got a tip that a freshman was trying to jaywalk across Forbes. Punk thinks he can get away with that? Not on my watch. Not on my campus. I pursued the suspect from Schenley Plaza to David Lawrence. Luckily, I wasn’t made. Saw what appeared to be a mugging on Bigelow, but I’ve got bigger fish to fry.Cocky bastard paused to tie his shoe before crossing. Stopped suspect as he looked both ways. Asked him what he thought he was doing. Handcuffed him. After an exhaustive search through his backpack I couldn’t find any incriminating evidence. Told him he got lucky today. Damn freshman.
September 1, 2014: Labor Day. Most of the force has the day off, but justice never takes a vacation. Knowing full well what happens on days like these I decided to patrol South Oakland, namely the 300 block of Atwood.Noticed group of students drinking on porch. I could feel my citations tingling as I approach the scene. Asked to see some ID. I could see sweat beginning to drip down one young man’s face. Damn criminal. Makes me sick. Booked him for underage drinking, possession of alcohol, open container, public intoxication, disorderly conduct and identity fraud. The streets will be a lot safer without scum like him.
September 5, 2014: Been itching to bust more perps. The amount of drugs flowing in and out of Oakland is sickening. Just yesterday I busted a group of kids who had almost five grams of marijuana on them. Told them to “stay off the grass.” (Side note: Great line. Will use again at later date). With a bust that big, I wouldn’t be surprised to find Pablo Escobar living on Semple. Saw a homeless guy stab another homeless guy over half a cold pizza. None of my business. I’ve got real criminals to deal with.
September 6, 2014: Got a call from a beer distributor saying some kid was using a fake ID. Has the world come to this? Sped over as fast as I could. Gun drawn, I busted down the door. “Get on the fucking ground!” I screamed. “What the fuck, man? Put your gun away!” replied the suspect. I let the back end of my pistol do the rest of the talking. Some may say a broken nose and black eye was an excessive use of force, but when you’re a hardened criminal, sometimes you need a little sense knocked into you.
September 7, 2014: After the pistol-whipping incident, Chief said I should take few days off. I’m not wearing my badge, but I’m still protecting my campus. I’m the hero Oakland deserves, but not the one it needs right now. I will not sleep until every underage drinker, jaywalker, and weed smoker is brought to justice. Murders and rapists will have to wait their turn. I hear commotion in the Quad. Duty calls.