One thing no one tells you about college is the difficulty of finding decent bathrooms, and the sheer horror involved upon the discovery that your favorite bathroom has been invaded. At Clemson, we’re not just talking about annoying people, but local wildlife, ultimate despair, and possible religious conversion, too. The Black Sheep has compiled a list of bathrooms experiences that are really annoying—because college bathrooms are, at best, a crapshoot.
10.) Church Fliers: The zealots of Clemson aren’t stupid. They know students are likely to have a religious conversion while trapped in a tiny stall the morning after a Taco Bell binge, and that’s exactly where they stick those cartoon fliers. But hey, any distraction is better than nothing—please God, make it end!
9.) Thongs: Hey, shit happens. Never mind that you thought all the guys in the Shoeboxes were lame, gross, and doomed to virginity for the rest of their lives, the johns there always have that one lacy, cherry-red piece of string that somehow counts as underwear.
8.) Shame: Nobody ever said bathrooms were a dignified place, but the muscleheads of Fike seem to view bathroom time as mirror-gazing, muscle-comparison time, leaving you to squeeze past, trying not to brush anybody with your own bulges—which definitely aren’t muscle. Don’t worry: no one will blame you if you shit on their parade.
7.) A Friendly Neighborhood Goat: Ah, Lightsey. It may be the on-campus housing most students dream of, but Clemson seems determined to remind us that it really is out in the boondocks. Actually, this one might not be that annoying—at least baby goats are pretty cute. But right about the time it starts munching through your towels, it may be time for a new pet.
6.) Bimbos: Ladies, you know it’s true. If one more person holds up the line in Daniel while there are still two open stalls, just because they didn’t feel like checking for feet, then it’ll be necessary to take over the men’s bathroom. No questions.
5.) Bugzilla: Heading into the bathroom early one morning, still bleary-eyed from the night before, your gaze falls on a black spot in the bathtub. Damn it, is that hair again—sweet lord, it’s moving! Not sure what they’ve been doing over in the etymology labs, but cockroaches definitely don’t grow that big anywhere else in Clemson. Maybe just skip the shower this morning and let someone else discover it.
4.) Absence of Hot Water: There are few better cures for a Monday morning than a nice, hot shower. As those in the Courts know, the only better cure has to be watching in your bathrobe as the maintenance guy bangs around your faucet, only to discover after he’s gone that he left you with an even icier flow. Well done, maintenance!
3.) Mysterious Liquids: Hmm, what is that white stuff in the corner? It looks like vanilla pudding! The freshmen of Johnstone are certainly used to mysterious substances appearing in the bathroom, but if The Black Sheep could offer you freshies one piece of advice: don’t eat the vanilla pudding.
2.) Tour Groups: Ah, remember those days when you were a sweet, doe-eyed high school student, in awe at the prospect of college? The Horseshoe sure seemed pretty sweet back then. Then you and the rest of your fifty peers burst in on some poor girl in her bathrobe, trying to wash some dishes in the bathroom sink. Now you’re that girl; you’re the local Clemson fauna.
1.) Apples: Whoever the dregs of humanity who have abandoned perfectly good fruit in the dining hall bathrooms are, they deserve to be shunned from the human race.