A growing number of young college women, in the prime of their lives, have been cast out of the spring break festivities by cancelled plans and OBVIOUSLY MADE-UP excuses. Abandoned and bereft on parental couches everywhere, with a bowl of popcorn and a tub of ice cream their only companions to watch Clueless for the fourth time in as many days, these unfortunate specimens are the lowest of the low. In order for these women to go on appropriate rampages, they must first be able to spot the bologna their bae is feeding them.
10.) Perfect Son:
He’s just so thoughtful and family-oriented that he went home to give his mother a break from the dishes. He won’t answer your texts because his hands are so soapy that he might drop his phone in the dishwater. Now that is the kind of man you want to date.
That girl who keeps appearing in the background of his pictures is probably his cousin, and he’s spending time with her because she’s clearly preggers and he wants to help her through this trying time. Seriously, he’s the perfect family man. If only he were around for that discussion.
8.) Probably An Emergency:
Maybe he’s had a medical emergency after eating too much seafood from whatever beach he keeps posting pictures of on Facebook. Cut the man some slack—mercury poisoning is rampant with the fishing industry the way it is now, and nobody can text while their stomach is being pumped.
7.) Good Intentions:
Several pictures of ice cream cones have surfaced. This is likely because he’s helping out his grandparents by running a Frozen Banana Stand at the beach, raising money for their dream retirement, or maybe even a dream future for the two of you.
6.) Planning for the Future:
He could be in a garage, hard at work creating a multi-million dollar drug ring to raise money so that he has enough money to propose, throw you the wedding of the century, and then get you a mansion and a beach house on the Outer Banks—that’s definitely where all those beach photos are coming from, house hunting.
5.) Red Alert:
Some girl has just posted a picture, a selfie for Christ’s sake, with your man in the same photo. They’re in the kitchen together: has he been doing her dishes? He would never cook with you. Never even dream of doing your dishes.
4.) Takeover by a Duck Pirate:
This girl is hideous, winking along with her duck face in her profile picture. She’s like a Mutant Duck Pirate. And who does she think she’s kidding with that haircut? Nevertheless, upon further stalking, several pictures of him are on her wall—it’s time for the unfaithfulness to go both ways.
3.) Hopefully Death:
The Mutant Duck Pirate has probably fed him one too many crawfish and shared her duck-germs while they sucked spaghetti from the same bowl, confining him to the hospital for the rest of spring break. Now nobody gets him.
2.) Murdered by You:
A new double selfie has arisen. Mutant Duck Pirate in his car, in the driver’s seat, making her stupid duck face at the camera. How does she get her face that scrunched? He always said he didn’t have the money for repairs when you asked to drive. Clearly he’s dealing drugs for money. You should alert the authorities, maybe his mom.
1.) In Conclusion:
Your boyfriend has probably run away with a duck-faced pirate girl fond of Disney movies, who lives her life behind a Netflix screen and never emerges except to steal people’s boyfriends. Well, you can do better. You were probably just about to break up with him, anyways.